Ask A Bartender: Is There A Problem With Drinking Alone?

Saturday, May 09, 2015

Kai Soderberg, GoLocalPDX Contributor

Being ashamed of being alone is being ashamed to be alive. Embrace it.

Humans are social creatures. It may be a fact you don’t like, but it is a fact. That doesn’t mean that we always have to be surrounded by others, just that once in a while we do. While it is generally considered a bad look, I don’t fault anybody for drinking alone in a bar provided that they do it properly. For me, after a shift, there is an almost magnetic attraction to the other side of the bar. It just seems like I earned it. Maybe I find comfort in the anonymity. I don’t want to speak with anybody. I don’t want to stare at a television. I don’t want to play on my phone. I just want to stare into my drink like it’s a campfire, drink it and then leave to go on about my night. All drinking, whether done alone or with others, is ceremonial. You are, after all, ingesting poison. It should always be done with respect and regard to your health, your ambitions and the people you care about.

I find drunken chatter combined with whatever atrocious pop music is coming out of the jukebox to be a strangely meditative cacophony. I begin to think about things I haven’t though about for a while. Important things. Trivial things. Things that make me happy, and things that make me anxious. It wears off soon though. It’s important to remember that you can get a decent bottle of booze from a liquor store for fairly cheap. Drinking at home saves you money and affords you the privacy to do your own thing without violating the space of others.

Being alone is revitalizing. You shouldn’t try to fight it. When you feel the urge to fight being alone, you should probably get some sundries and lock yourself inside until you have to go back out. Loneliness is a necessary component to living an interesting life. Don’t wallow in it, but embrace it with caution.

If, for whatever reason, you find yourself at a bar alone there are certain things that you should know to limit the discomfort of other guests and spare yourself strife and embarrassment. The etiquette to drinking alone in public is different than drinking with friends. In some ways it requires a bit more finesse. It always requires a great deal of self-respect. If that starts to fade, it’s time to go home. That is the first rule. Here are the others:

1. Know your mood and don’t try to fight it. If you are in a bad mood, depressed, angry or sullen you should absolutely call a friend or be home alone. Spending all your money at a bar, watching other people enjoy themselves, will not improve your mental state.

2. Don’t try to shake people up. If you start to hear unusual, shocking or otherwise nonsensical things coming out of your mouth, you need to go home.

3. Don’t interrogate guests or the bartender. One statement or question is enough to test the waters. Not everybody uses a bar as a meat market or social scene. For many Portlanders it’s just a warmer and drier alternative to a bus stop.

4. There is nothing wrong with thinking before you speak. If you don't have anything interesting to say, keep your mouth shut.

5. Don’t be easily insulted at others’ refusal to engage. This includes the bartender’s refusal to engage. A bartender who is not busy should not slight you or deprive you of conversation. A competent bartender will make every effort to be amiable because he gets most of his money from gratuities. However, there are plenty of bartenders who won’t do that. That’s their prerogative, and not your problem. If you find yourself becoming insulted simply because people are ignoring you, consider that your drinking money might be put to better use through therapy.

5. Don’t ask personal questions- this includes asking others about their tattoos- reasonable people find it rude and you’ll soon find that people who enjoy speaking about themselves, or their tattoos, are uninteresting.

6. Don’t bring a book. If you want to speak with people, put your book down, if you want to read your book, save your money and drink at home.

This is a short list and some people may be at odds with some of the more specific guidelines. These are simply observations I have learned over the years from both sides of the bar. Being ashamed to be alone is being ashamed to be alive. If you can’t embrace the fact that you are born alone and that you’ll die alone, how will you possibly make anybody happy during the interim? So go out and get a drink. Observe your surroundings. Be happy for happy people. Be sad for sad people. Think about your own mortality. Plan your next move. Don’t let the ceremony of drinking swallow you up in paralysis.

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