Brad Boyer: Confessions of a Limo Driver

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Brad Boyer, GoLocalPDX Auto Expert

Photo credit: iStock

Chris Rock accurately states that there is no sex in the champagne room of a strip club. The same can be said for the back of a limousine…well, mostly. According to a group of Portland area limousine drivers, it does happen but not very often. What they offered instead was a fascinating glimpse of what it’s really like to drive around celebrities, wedding parties or just a bunch of crazy friends who seemingly all forget there is a driver in the front of the car. Here are their confessions, suggestions and a gripe or two.

1. How to get out of a limo

First and foremost, there is simply no classy way to get out of a limo. The seats sit very low to the ground and unless you’re a dancer or contortionist, you have to find a way to lift yourself out of the car. The two-legged sideways exit is an option as well as the back out method but neither is very effective. The drivers’ advice, especially to women, is to dress accordingly. They have all experienced the Brittney Spears exit and it’s not really the extra gratuity they are looking for at the end of the night.

2. Don't be THAT guy

Don’t be THAT guy. If a limousine is parked at the Moda Center for a Blazer game or concert and that oh-so clever nugget spills out, “Oh, is that my ride?” or Hey, my ride is here!” don’t be surprised if the driver rolls his eyes and offers a sardonic smile. It’s not that he’s heard that line 20 times, just 20 times THAT night. It’s not funny, clever or pithy. It never has been. And, NO, it’s not Lady Gaga’s, or Katie Perry’s car either. Typically, the artist you just paid hundreds of dollars to see doesn’t catch his or her ride out front of the arena with everyone else.

3. Bachelorette parties

When asked what the worst drives were on average, the drivers universally responded with Bachelorette parties. They said Bachelor parties are generally pretty easy because guys tend to have simple requests and if an attractive woman pays attention to the group, the night is a success. There is always that one guy who most drivers can spot the minute the car picks up everyone. He’s the life of the party rolling hard at 8:30 at night when the car is booked until 2 am. One great plan one guy had offered was to provide the “too drunk, too obnoxious guy” a ride back to the hotel or home while the others were at a club and then come back to drive the rest of the group.

An interesting observation on bachelor party nights or any guys nights out is that there is an important order when deciding which clubs to hit. If part of your night is to hit regular bars as well as some of Portland’s seemingly endless supply of strip clubs, guys need to hit these in the right order. Drivers said guests can’t go to a “civilian bar” after going to a strip club. They said their brain can’t process how at the first club, a naked woman for just $1.00 will talk with them and act as if they are the most interesting guys while at a regular bar later in the night, they can buy a $12 Grey Goose martini and then be ignored.

Bachelorette parties take on a different tone completely and the drivers did say this was more often the case and not ALWAYS. They said the night normally starts out great with lots of fun, bridal sashes and penis straws. But, somewhere throughout the evening when just enough alcohol has been consumed, it turns in to a Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan reality show. Generally, there are two factions with the driver stuck in the middle. The inevitable request then comes in for drive through Taco Bell or Jack in the Box at 2 am. Drivers wanted to point out that limos do not fit through most drive through restaurants and asking (demanding) in a louder, more drunken voice doesn’t change the pure physics of that equation.

4. Celebrity chauffeuring

Celebrities don’t always tip big. It’s not really that they don’t tip but generally, if a big time celebrity is in the car, they are with an entourage, handlers, and bodyguards. The singer or athlete may not even carry a wallet or bag and good luck getting any extra from the bodyguard. Most Portland are pretty low key. They love the city. Drivers who were interviewed had driven for a vast array of musical artists, athletes and actors but true to the code of conduct, what goes on in the limo, stays in the limo. A couple of the drivers did say some of the most interesting drives are the so-called titans of industry. Conversations in the back could make for an interesting movie script with all sorts of gossip and stock tips.

5. Do your research

Not all limousine companies are created equally. If renting for a fun night or special event, be sure to do the research. Not all companies operating in the city are properly permitted, have the required level of insurance with regular inspection of the vehicles as well as the licensing and drug tests for drivers. All the various online outlets are a great start to see what past clients have to say. Also, check in with friends or co-workers too. If at all possible, go out to the facility to inspect the vehicle to make sure the car you are renting is actually the one that shows up. A number of online limousine companies simply broker out the service and don’t own all the vehicles on their websites. There have recently been some online deals with big discounts and little fulfillment.

6. Have fun

The drivers want you to have a good time. It makes their night more fun and that’s the main reason to rent a limo. Besides, it’s a great “green” experience. It’s taking 3-5 cars off the road if everyone drove to all the clubs saving a lot of gas as well as ensuring everyone gets home safely. However, like the great 49ers receiver Jerry Rice said about scoring a touchdown, “act like you’ve been there before”. Have fun but be respectful of the driver and the vehicle. The number one rule for a passenger is don’t get sick in the car! Besides the obvious buzz kill for the night and mess to clean up, it can be very expensive. Nearly all companies have clauses in the contract for just such a faux pas and charges of at least $200.

7. Job satisfaction

In some moments of seriousness, a number of the drivers expressed a similar sentiment that driving a limo is a pretty cool job. They said it’s not many jobs where you get to be part of a person’s best nights and memories. From proms to weddings or just a great night out with friends, these are special nights for most everyone and the driver gets to be a part of that, It’s not a message that’s lost on the quality companies and good drivers. Some people may have never been in a limo before and it's the driver's job to make sure it’s a better experience than they even imagined. As one driver said, it’s a privilege and a responsibility.

Brad Boyer is owner of Carcierge, a car concierge company providing expert assistance on anything car-related. He also co-hosts Test Miles on 101.1 FM KXL on Sundays, and is a founding member of the Northwest Auto Press Association. You can email him your car-related questions at [email protected].