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video: The Portland Unipiper Performs New Star Wars Inspired Balancing Act

Thursday, May 21, 2015


This Portlander is clearly ready for the release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens on December 16th.

This video viral of him balancing on a droid inspired ball while playing the theme song to Star Wars with bagpipes that shoot fire from the sides says it all. With die-hard fans everywhere anxiously awaiting the release of the new film it seems as though this man has found a creative way to channel his eagerness.

We'll have to wait and see what other Star Wars themed performances he can put together between now and the world premier in mid-December


Related Slideshow: 10 People You Should Be Schmoozing in Your City

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There are many reasons you should have a relationship with the local authorities. Parking tickets can add up, and having a cop friend could save you a fortune in tickets alone. If you have a mad wife or angry teens, having someone on the inside can be a lifesaver. 

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Hotel staff

Forget about Priceline or Hotels.com. You need inside juice at the source. Having an inside contact at a local lux hotel can be clutch for many reasons. Your boss needs a place for his or her good friends visiting, and everywhere is booked. Now they owe you. Boom. You need to get out of the house because your wife is terrorizing you and you need a safe house for the night. Could save your marriage or, more importantly, you. Valet guys are key for parking on a rainy day, or when you need to do some shopping downtown and your wife hates to walk more than a block or two. 

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This is a no-brainer. Your mechanic can cripple you financially. You would be surprised at how many people don’t take the time to make the effort to really get close to these guys. Doesn’t take much. Luckily most people are assholes, so dealing with nice customers is a treat.  Like the Magi to young baby Jesus, come bearing gifts. Find out what the gang there likes and offer them up the booty when they least expect it. 

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Ticket agent/bag handler

If you travel for business, this is huge. If you travel with your family frequently, this is a lifesaver.  Let them know how much you value what they do, and make sure they feel the love. Any number of thoughtful gestures will make all the difference in the world to these guys. They know the drill, and they will reciprocate.

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Don’t be a complainer or an over-emailer to these people. Luckily there are enough parents who can’t help themselves and screw the chances of their own kids ever a seeing minute of playing time. You’re competing with pretty soccer moms with plenty of free time and possibly dads that played in college. Finding out the balance of contributing and keeping a low profile, along with having empathy, will serve you well. The way you act and your personal relationship with that coach will most definitely affect your child’s playing time, if he or she is not the star of the team already. In that case, you can kind of be a dick regardless.

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Restaurant Manager/Owner

This should be obvious, but most people think they are on the inside when they really aren’t. Remember, these people have to be nice to everyone and make you feel special, even if you’re not in the true inner circle. You need to get on the level where they pull out a table and chairs when they are all booked. Obviously, chose one that serves good food and will matter to you and your friends and bosses. 

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If you were too busy studying as a kid and were raised by a single mom, you most likely never got around to learning about how to fix the stuff that will shut your household down in a second. Not knowing how to fix something is bad enough, but the kicker is that it’s emasculating as well. This can also result in less sexy time you will have with your wife or partner. However, if you have a person that drops everything to fix your situation, you almost get a pass. Truth is, you only have a small window to fix shit that goes sideways around the house before everyone goes crazy and things get much worse.

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A Good Lawyer

Some inside juice is a must-have and not a like-to-have. The inside connection is crucial, but not so easy with these folks. Truth is, even if he or she is related to you by blood, they still rack up the hours on you. Get creative with barter or refer a 1% friend that has money to them as a potential client. Then they will owe you at least one jailhouse phone call to come bail you out in a pinch.

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Guy That Owns a Big Truck

Super clutch for all kinds of things, and not that hard to source. Fill the truck up with gas when you’re done, and you will never be denied. Remember, people are dicks, and most people will leave that guy on empty after borrowing it.

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Person With In at a Venue

Last but not least—someone with concert or sports facility juice: These people can change your life in so many ways I can’t begin to mention all of them. Just think about it the next time the sold-out show comes to town and you’re on the outside looking in. You could have been a superhero and made dreams come true.


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