Mum’s the Word: Three Tips on Winning and Losing with Children
Friday, August 21, 2015
I said that word with a swell of pride and a slight, perhaps even cocky, smile forming at the corner of my mouth.
I had spent months reading about chess and playing against my younger brother in hopes of one day being able to say those words to my dad.
After so many months of losing, I was in my glory.
Looking back, I have a feeling that my dad may have let me win that day. At the time, though, it intoxicated me to feel like the months of practice and the many viewings of Searching for Bobby Fischer had finally paid off.
Years later, I remembered that moment as I watched my daughter cry because she couldn’t win in a race against another little girl. Since she’s only four, this was really the first time that she had ever “competed” at doing something. The experience was fresh and raw for her.
I comforted her, of course. At the same time I wondered, “How the heck do I teach her how to be a good loser?”
This is a topic that is often discussed amongst parents, teachers and caretakers. As adults, “defenders of the young,” I think that we often yearn for an easy to understand formula that we can implement and teach to kids in a clear cut fashion: i.e. you smile when you lose so that other people won’t hate you. You repeat to yourself that you need to be a good loser because that’s what you have to be in the “real world.”
On the other hand, if adults changed their mindset about games and why we play them, then maybe it'd be easier to teach children the great benefits that come with winning and losing. In fact, joy should come from the game itself, with winning being only an added bonus, the maraschino cherry that tops the chocolate sundae. Moreover, if you're not enjoying the game you're playing, then you're probably in the wrong game.
Once we learn this, it becomes a lot easier to show children how to have a good attitude when they lose.
In fact, Kenneth Barish Ph.D wrote in his article, "Winning and Losing," “The ability to accept defeat gracefully is not learned from instruction - it is learned through practice and the emulation of admired adults.”
With that in mind, the best way to help our kids learn the benefits of both winning and losing is to start with ourselves.
So here are three ways that parents can help their children learn to appreciate both aspects of games, the winning and the losing.
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