The Scarlet Letters: Show Me the Funny

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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

Our letter this week comes from a frustrated online dater who can’t seem to find a funny man. Have you had the same trouble? What would you tell her to do? Write us with questions, answers, rants or sexy stories at [email protected].

Where the Hell Did “Funny” Go?

Dear Scarlets,

I've been on a few dating sites for the past few months, and I've been having some difficulty.

The men have been very nice and sweet, but it seems like none of them have a sense of humor. Match.com guys seem super basic. OKCupid guys seem shy. And Tinder...Tinder is just full of humorless man-whores.

Is humor dead in general, or just on these sites? I'm scared.

Signed,

This Isn't Funny, You Guys

Dear TIF,

We so get you. Well, one of us gets you. One of us used online dating extensively for a year, and can therefore feel your (humor-free) pain.

Since you mentioned Tinder and not Grindr, we're going to assume you're a woman. We have a couple of thoughts.

One, online sites are going to be used more frequently by introverts. Men who use dating sites are largely those who are less likely to approach a woman in a bar and are therefore not going to be lampshade-on-the-head, draw-a-dick-on-your-sleeping-face, life-of-the-party types. (This is a good thing. Those people are insufferable.)

Additionally, according to Psychology Today, online dating sites appeal to people who express themselves better in writing than in person. This is why when you meet someone you've been talking to on OKCupid, you need to be prepared for them to be about 50-70% as funny in person as they were online. This applies to almost everyone, because we're all way more clever when we've had some time to formulate a response.

The good news is that it is possible to find a funny introvert, it’s just going to be a lot harder to find him. That means you just need to decide where "funny" is on your hierarchy of attributes. Is it above “gainfully employed?” If so, that’s pretty high. If it’s below “isn’t still wearing acid wash jeans,” then you might not have that much to worry about.

Is it higher on the list than physical attraction? Because many people who aren't lucky enough to be considered classically attractive develop a sense of humor to compensate. Think Marty Feldman, Chris Farley and Cameron Diaz.

Just kidding about that last one. Cameron Diaz isn’t funny.

If you go through your hierarchy and decide that "funny" is at the top of your list, perhaps you should make more of an effort in the offline world. Go to improv and sketch comedy shows (we’d recommend The Liberators and any of their talented off-shoots) and maybe even take an improv class.

If you’re still searching in the online world, we’d recommend a couple things—one, make your own profile funny. Funny attracts funny, so those with an advanced sense of humor will find you. This will also help you stand out, since the online dating world is one of the most humorless places we've been, outside of Yakov Smirnoff's pre-show "cry room" in Branson, Missouri.

Two, only meet men in person who make you laugh, either in their profile or in your online interactions with them. Funny people recognize the power of humor, so they will use it at their first opportunity to draw you in. If you don't see a spark of humor in him (or yourself—funny people inspire you to be funnier!) in the first couple interactions, it's probably not there at all, so you should end it.

UNLESS.

Unless he's kind and smart and hot and gets you like no one else does and has a twinkle in his eye that makes your knees (and vagina) weak.

That's the problem with deal breakers—sometimes they weed out people who would've brought something extraordinary into your life.

Not thinking someone is funny is a pretty difficult hurdle to get over in a relationship, no question. Understanding each other's humor is a clear cue that you share many of the same cultural references, perspectives and sensibilities. But it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

Deal breakers aren't thrust upon us. We decide what they are, and whether there’s enough to recommend a man that we can overcome the Hurdle of Humorlessness.

If you turn this into your one criteria for dating, you might miss out.

Either way, we wish you luck in your search for the perfect man (SPOILER ALERT: HE DOESN'T EXIST).

Online dating can be soul-crushing...we hope injecting some humor into it makes it palatable. At least as palatable as, say, a day-old doughnut no one's spit on.

Delicious!

Love and laughs,

The Scarlets

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