The Scarlet Letters: Am I A Slut?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week’s letters address readers in two very different places. One thinks she might be a slut, and the other is wondering if relationship bliss is over. Questions? Rants? Email us at [email protected].

Am I Having Too Much Fun?

Dear Scarlets,

I’ve been sleeping with a lot of men lately. Not like, whole softball teams or anything, but, for example, last week I met a guy at the Lucky Lab...a friend of a friend I was having dinner with, and ended up going to a hotel with him. Then, two nights later, I had a second date with a Tinder guy and slept with him. I also have a sort of ongoing thing with an ex and slept with him the ensuing two nights.

I’m enjoying myself, I’m being safe (I’m a little obsessive about that) but I’m starting to feel a little judged by my friends. One told me she was “worried about me” after I told her about the Lucky Lab encounter with her friend.

I’m not worried about me, but my friend’s “concern” has me thinking...am I a slut? I’m in my mid-30’s, and this is definitely more men than I was sleeping with in college. But I’m really enjoying being single, and it feels good.

I got out of a 4-year relationship this spring and actual dating sounds gross. I’m really enjoying being single. But maybe I’m f----d up and don’t know it?

Signed,

Slutty McWhorington, Esq.

Dear Ms. Whorington,

If you want to be called a slut...if that’s something that gets you off, then we’re happy to call you one. Otherwise, we’re not willing to do it based on what you’ve told us.

The dictionary definition of a slut is “a promiscuous woman” or “a woman who has many casual sex partners.” (Really - not a person, a woman.)

Are you being promiscuous by our current cultural standards? Probably. But our current cultural standards also judge women for promiscuousness while giving men a sly high-five. If that philosophy doesn’t make sense to you, then why label yourself with an antiquated word you didn’t even get a say in defining?

Here’s a question that might help: before your friend told you she was “concerned,” did you feel shame about your activities? Because it doesn’t sound to us like you did. That’s a good indication that you’ve been engaging in healthy, safe, mutually-agreed-upon and nobody-gets-hurt-because-nobody-has-any-expectations sex.

And, based on everything you’ve said about where you are emotionally, that kind of sex sounds perfectly reasonable to us. That being said, f--- us and what we think. You’re an adult with sovereign jurisdiction over every hole in your body. You get to decide what goes into it and what comes out of it. (Unless you have a cold, diarrhea, or have had too much whiskey—in those cases, you release control to your sinuses, colon, and angry stomach, respectively.)

Our guess is that this is a phase and probably won’t last too long. This is based on the fact that, in our experience, casual sex ultimately becomes boring. The act itself is fun as hell, but then you realize that you’re going to have to talk to this guy about his no-kill rat shelter and this other guy about his “slightly modified Ashtanga yoga practice” even for the 40 seconds it takes for him to put his pants on, and that’s enough to put you off it eventually.

Or not. This could be a lifestyle for you.

If it is, we’d only say you should start worrying if it feels like you’re not doing it for fun or curiosity anymore, or if you’re starting to put yourself into dangerous situations. In that case, there’s a chance that the activity is an attempt to act out or use sex to get approval, feel better about yourself, or numb yourself. In any of those cases, we’d say slow down, and talk to someone who can help you figure out what’s going on.

As it is, however, it sounds like your activity would cause Mike Huckabee or Rand Paul to label you a trollop. A wanton strumpet. A shameless floozy. And in our book, that’s something to be proud of.

So, get tested, use protection, and f--- on, hussy!

Love,

The Scarlets

Courtship vs. Relationship Behavior

Dear Scarlets,

I’ve been with Pat for a while and things are going downhill. We used to be excited to see each other, talked a lot, did things together, and had rollicking lusty sex. Now we watch tv, and not even together.

Pat seems to have given up on trying to be attractive to me. I have given up on feigning interest in Pat’s fiber art. We both use the bathroom with the door open.

Is this what happens? Is there nothing more to coupling than complacency, aging, and weight gain? Where did the spark go? Why is relationship behavior so dingy and dull?

Signed,

Chris

Dear Chris,

Ah, the spark. We make so much of the spark! We act like the spark is some magic glue, that its presence between two people guarantees happily ever after.

Let’s think about this. A spark is fleeting, a brief reaction between two things signaling the transfer of energy. A spark left to itself is bright for a moment, and then dies away.

A spark tended, however, becomes a flame.

The early spark between people makes them want to keep seeing the person who makes them sparkle. Sparkling feels good! Who doesn’t want to be a big bright shiny star?

And when that spark catches fire, it can burn high and hot -- for a while. If it’s fueled it keeps burning. If it’s not, you soon have a pile of ash. It sounds like you and Pat might be at this stage.

Sadly, you are both culpable. Leaving the bathroom door open? All the time? Really? Happily, you can both participate in fixing it. You can find the spark and feed your fire and go back to having great sex.

How? Simple. Act like you’re dating.

That’s it. That’s the big secret. Quit acting like you are so sure Pat will stay with you no matter what, and start thinking about giving Pat a reason to stay with you. Courtship behavior vs. relationship behavior shouldn’t be a contest because what you think of as “relationship behavior” shouldn’t exist.

That’s right, we said it. “Relationship behavior” as illustrated in your letter is pure laziness. It’s taking your partner for granted. It’s thinking that you’ve scored the good stuff and can now stop trying. It makes all your courtship behavior into false advertising and you into a giant liar.

When you were dating Pat, you took an interest in fiber art. Pat probably showered more often and didn’t wear as many stained sweatshirts to bed. You dressed up. You were nice to each other. You both threw kindling on the fire.

What did you think would happen if you quit adding fuel to it?

Why in the world do we think we can stop? Ever? A lasting relationship isn’t a firecracker, it’s a campfire. You have to feed and nurture it. Forever.

When we see couples that have been together a long time we say things like, “Oh, it’s so sweet the way they are still so happy they hold hands” or whatever. It doesn’t occur to us that they are still so happy because they hold hands, because they are kind to each other and act like they’re dating.

Falling in love is a miracle. Staying in love is a choice. Choose Pat every day? Let Pat know every day. And act like you want to be chosen.

Thanks for writing, Chris. Now close the bathroom door, change your shirt, and go look at some fiber art.

Love,

The Scarlets