The Scarlet Letters: An Easy 3,275-Step Guide to Finding Love

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

In this week’s column, we hear from one reader who blatantly asks the underlying question in most of our letters—where is the love?; and another who’s trying to gently let go of what the other reader is so desperately searching for. Send us your questions at [email protected].

Finding Love

Dear Scarlets,

Will I ever find love?

Sincerely,

Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,

Yes. No. Maybe?

We have a friend who claims, "There's a lid for every pot."

We disagree.

People die alone every day, often in a barcalounger in the basement of their mother's house, watching Wheel of Fortune.

If you don't want to be one of them, don't be.

First, make sure you’re not an asshole. This is the biggest hurdle for many in finding love.

Once you’re sure you’re not an asshole, make your life into what you want it to be. Do the things that bring you joy.

Think about what others need for some portion of your day. Then figure out a way to help them get it without sacrificing too much of yourself.

Spend as much time as possible with your friends. This will make you a happy person that people want to be around.

Maybe that will be enough love for you.

If it isn't, tell your friends that you don't want to be single anymore, and that they should set you up with someone who isn't completely insane.

And we mean ALL your friends.

Tell them you're serious and you need their help.

Does that feel a little humiliating? Suck it up. Your life won't change unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Did you meet anyone?

If you didn't, join a dating site.

Stop whining about it.

Yes, it's horrible. But algorithms can be surprisingly effective when it comes to love.

When describing yourself, don't say you "love to have fun," or "feel as comfortable in the board room as you do in the mud." The ability to exist in multiple locations is something almost all humans can do, unless you’re John Travolta in that plastic bubble movie.

Say something meaningful. Say something true. Say, "This is what I need to be happy." Say, "This is who I am."

Lying will only connect you to people who might love your fake self, which would work, we suppose, if you plan to lie for the rest of your life.

And that doesn't sound like fun.

Did you meet anyone?

If not, try speed dating, or bingo, or volunteering with a nonprofit you believe in, or a meetup group, or walking up to an attractive stranger and saying, "You seem nice. I'm [insert your real name here] and I'm single as HELL. Wanna chat?"

What we're saying is, DO SOMETHING.

Do something that makes you uncomfortable.

If you've reached the point that you're sending a desperate-sounding question to a couple of strangers, you've been waiting for something to happen for a long time.

Stop waiting.

The world doesn't owe you love. The world doesn't owe anyone anything. The world is just minding its own business, spinning at 1,000 miles an hour and trying to hold it together, just like you are.

So if you really want love, the romantic variety, try everything before giving up.

And you might not find it.

If you don't, then do whatever you can to be happy with the love you have all around you: your friends, your family, your ridiculous cat with one weird ear.

That love is worth just as much as romantic love. Maybe more, because it's not as fickle, and less likely to give you shit because you didn't wait to watch the latest Game of Thrones episode with it.

We wish you luck and all kinds of love.

Love,

The Scarlets

Losing Love

Dear Scarlets,

I made a horrible mistake. I met Jack two years ago and we became friends almost immediately. It was like we already knew each other. I’ve always been able to keep boundaries in relationships with men (my gender of choice for romance) and Jack was married, so I didn’t think I had to worry about anything “happening.” We had the best time doing all kinds of things, and I truly loved him. He was my best and most fun friend. And then we fell into bed.

Long story short, Jack left his wife a year and a half ago and moved in with me. It was great for a minute. Then I realized that although I loved him deeply, I was not IN love with him. You see where this is going.

I want out of the romantic relationship, but here’s the hang. Jack is absolutely and without question the closest person I have in the world. We are soul mates. I just don’t want to be lovers anymore. We are not very sexually compatible and I’m no longer attracted to him. His actions and words point to him still being very much in love with me. How do I get out of the romantic part of this relationship without losing my best friend?

Your friend,

Friend Not Lover

Dear Friend,

The short answer is: you can’t. At least not in the short term.

If Jack is still in love with you as you say, there’s no way to end this without tears and (we know you don’t want to hear this) a lot of anger.

Normally we’d say that falling out of love is no one’s fault, it’s just something that happens.

But in this case, you claim it only took a minute for you to realize you weren’t in love with him, so you must have had an inkling before he left his wife, which kinda does put the blame ball firmly in your court. Because of that, you’re going to have to do something selfless and let him out of your life for as long as he needs to heal.

Jack loved you enough to give up his marriage for you. And now you want to leave him without a marriage OR a lover. He’s going to be angry, and you’re going to have to let him be.

The best thing you can do for him is to end the relationship clearly and with love -- but not too much love. If you’re overly empathetic and caring and want to be involved in his recovery from you, that’s just going to make it harder. So don’t be a dick, but don’t be too sweet, either.

He’s done something for you, now you need to do something for him: let him go.

Hopefully, he’ll come back and recognize his place as your soulmate when he stops hating you with the white-hot heat of 1,000 suns.

And when he does, it’s up to you to make sure that friendship never turns into anything else. Because you don’t want to hurt him again, right?

RIGHT?

Yeah, that’s what we thought.

With Love,

The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.