The Scarlet Letters: Confused About Caitlyn and the Pale Rider

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Saturday, July 25, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

Letters this week include one from a reader who can’t tell how to refer to Caitlyn, and one from a man whose girlfriend just revealed her fetish and he’s not sure he can handle it. Questions? Comments? Write us at [email protected].

Confused about Caitlyn

Dear Scarlets,

Is Caitlyn a lesbian? I don’t mind one way or the other, and I realize it’s not really my business, but I just want to get it right so as to not offend anyone. I support any decision a person makes about his/her/their own gender and sexual orientation, but sometimes I’ve guessed wrong and it’s been awful. I just want to be supportive, but I am confused.

Love,

Careful About This Stuff

Dear Careful,

Your respect for an individual’s sovereignty in matters of gender and sexual orientation is commendable, and we like you for it. If only everyone could be so accepting...we dare to dream.

Gender can be confusing because our society views it as a binary system when it is, in fact, a spectrum. One can be something other than male or female -- many, many kinds of other. And because gender can be fluid, one can be different people on different days.

Gender is more than body parts, and each individual gets to decide how they want to identify. They even get to refuse to declare, if they choose.

A problem we see with this is one of language: we have male and female pronouns, and the gender-neutral plural “they,” but that’s it. We need more words.

But back to Caitlyn. As far as we know, Caitlyn has not said she’s a lesbian -- therefore we won’t say so, either, and neither should you. Who are we to assume anything?

If this seems awkward and confusing, please keep in mind the transition process and all it entails. There’s a lot going on, and transitioning people need our support and acceptance more than we need to ask questions aimed at pinning them down on particulars.

You don’t know Caitlyn, and yet you want to know who she likes to have sex with. Imagine meeting someone for the first time and saying, “Hello. Which gender are you attracted to?” Awkward.

What you may be asking is, “Hypothetically, if a person with male parts who’s attracted to women transitions to womanhood, does that make her a lesbian?” Yes, in our current definition of lesbianism, it does. Continuing to think of her as straight would be dismissing her gender identity. But on the other hand, why do you need to know?

In the end, it comes down to respect and compassion for others. It may make you uncomfortable to be uncertain about someone’s gender or sexual preference, but you can live with that. Accept them for who they are and be open to whatever they may wish to share with you—or not. And keep living your life with the open mind and heart you showed us in your letter.

We don’t know your gender, either. And we’re cool with that.

Love,

The Scarlets

Pale (he’s kind of shocked) Rider

Dear Scarlets,

I'm a 35 year-old male and I've been dating my girlfriend for about three months and really like her a lot. I might even be on my way to loving her, but there's a problem.

Last weekend she revealed to me that she's into pony play. I had no freaking idea what that was. Turns out it's a fetish that has lots of fans where people like to be treated like a pony.

She showed me her stuff—she has a bit and a bridle, a harness, hand hooves and hoof boots. She wants me to lead her around the house by the bridle and pretend I'm her rider or trainer. Or, sometimes, her vet, I guess. I should've taken notes.

She was really shy about telling me and worried that I might not like her anymore. I still like her, but I just don't know if I can do it. Just picturing it makes me feel awkward as hell, and it's not sexy to me. Is this the only way she can get off? Do we have to do it every time? And why is she like this?

Any insight would be much appreciated,

Signed,

Not a Trainer

Dear NAT,

This is a delicate moment in your relationship. The Fetish Reveal is an awkward time at best, and a dealbreaker at worst. Your conversations and actions with her in the next few days will probably decide which this is for you.

We feel three months is a bit late...we would've recommended perhaps three weeks to a month as the best time to reveal a fetish. At that point, you still would've been somewhat detached, but emotionally invested enough not to run for the hills. Now you're definitely emotionally invested, so it's a little more difficult to be objective about whether this is something you can live with. Whether she waited because she was scared or calculating is an interesting question. You said she was "very shy" about telling you, so let's assume good intentions and say she was scared and not a she-devil.

Your questions are important, but you need to ask them of her and not us.

We know that in general, just like you, people with fetishes can get off in many ways, including by engaging in their fetish. (Remember that they probably had to adapt to what the majority of people like, like a person who grew up without television bingewatching 80's sitcoms so they'll have something to talk to people about.) And because of that, you probably won't have to do it every time. In fact, in our experience with people with fetishes, they often get used to having "traditional sex" most of the time, and getting to engage in their fetish maybe a couple times a month and on special occasions. (On her birthday, for instance, you'd unquestionably have to be outfitted for dressage, or you'd be a terrible partner.) That is, unless they get lucky enough to meet someone who shares their fetish.

That's the tough part of having a fetish, especially one as specialized as pony play. As you know, it's hard enough to find someone you like who doesn't find you annoying and laughs at the same stuff and hates peas as much as you do and wants to join you on weekends as you search for an Action Comics #7 AND likes you too. Now add "also loves my fetish" to that list and you'll realize what a difficult spot your girlfriend's in.

A giving sexual partner sometimes does things that he doesn't find sexy in order to satisfy his partner. You need to decide whether that's something you can do for her.

You've said just picturing it is awkward, but try it. At least once. That will be hugely telling in terms of whether or not you can make this work. Pony plays falls into the BDSM world, and you'd be surprised at how many people get excited by exercising sexual dominance once they try it.

As for why she's that way, that's far too big a question for us to answer. One theory is that it's a way to express power while at the same time being dominated—there's no more powerful animal than a horse. She also might've collected Breyer horses as a girl. Could be anything. Trying to pinpoint the birth of a fetish is pointless, unless you're trying to "cure" it. You're not trying to cure it, are you? Because that would be bad.

Try putting on your dressage costume just once and seeing how it goes. You owe at least that to someone you're "on the way to loving."

Good luck,

The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.

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