The Scarlet Letters: I Don’t Want To Screw This Up Like All the Others

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week, we hear from a reader who thinks they met “the one.” But they’ve screwed up every relationship they’ve ever been in by criticising their partner until the relationship became toxic. How do they keep from doing that again? What would you say? Send us questions, rants and sex tips to [email protected].

Dear Scarlets,

I think I may have met "the one." She's got 8 of the 10 things on my must have/good-to-have list, and even if she didn't, I think I'd still want to be with her because she's rad.

We've been dating a little over a year and she wants to move in together. I'm freaking out because I've screwed up every single relationship I've ever been in. Like, badly. And when I look back, I almost felt like things were doomed from the start because I tend to get really judgmental and critical really fast.

Why do I do that, and what can I do to stop myself?

Signed,
Judgy McGee

Oh, Judgy.

I think you're going to need a bit of therapy to pinpoint why you do what you do...based on your "must-have" list, it sounds like you're just generally a bit judgmental/stringent as a person, so that could be adding to the problem.

Getting out of the habit of being judgmental is just like getting out of any other habit—it has to do first with awareness. Start your day with the goal of noticing every time you're judgmental of someone. Don't try to change it at first, just notice it. That should actually curb it just a little. Then, after a few days, move on to actually attempting to shift those judgments to facts. Instead of, "That sweater looks like someone vomited on a Jackson Pollack painting," you would shift to, "That sweater contains at least 4 different shades of puce and appears factory-knitted." Nothing that's not fact-based.

If you can't stop criticizing your partner, the relationship may be doomed.

We'd recommend you peruse Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, or at least the first chapter.

You may recognize Gottman's name from Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink—Gottman is the one who is able to predict which newlywed couples will get divorced with about 90% accuracy based on talking to them (and watching them talk to each other.)

He has what he calls the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse," or the four negative conversational behaviors that most predict divorce. Guess which one is #1?

Yeah:

1. Criticism

According to Gottman's book, you can (and should!) complain to your lover if you have a legitimate beef with them to keep the air nice and grudge-free, but what you shouldn't do is turn that complaint into a criticism.

Complaint: I would love it if you didn't watch so much Star Trek: Next Generation while I'm making dinner and also maybe help me chop stuff.

Criticism: You're such a selfish tool. Also, TNG is LAME. Those onesies they wear in the first two seasons made the whole show an intergalactic pajama party and the sexual tension between Riker and Troi was like watching a high school science program with budget cuts: NO CHEMISTRY.

The lesson here is, don't attack your partner's character because they're making things inconvenient for you. Express your feelings using "I" statements ("I'd like for you to stop being a selfish tool." No. Wait.), and then tell them what you need from them. Asking for what you need can feel vulnerable, so we understand why some people find it easier to attack than to ask. But if you can muster the bravery, you'll both be happier for it.

2. Contempt

Gottman marks contempt as the greatest predictor of relationship failure, because it's the quickest route to poisoning it.

Judgy, have you expressed your contempt for past partners using sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, expensive haircut reprobation or hostile humor? (One of those is fake.)

The terrible thing about all of these ways of relating is that they feed on each other. Once one partner goes to that well, the other is running over to pull up a barb to match it. And you'd think that well would dry up, but weirdly the Well of Horrible Shit You Can Use To Hurt Your Partner seems to magically regenerate its cruel sludge each night when you go to bed angry.

Each time you find yourself wanting to say something mean or make a sarcastic remark like, "Oh, that'll happen" when your partner expresses a desire to change for the better (even if they've tried a million times and failed), do whatever you can to think of something supportive and appreciative to say.

According to Gottman, this positive, appreciative environment is the mark of a successful, happy couple.

3. Defensiveness

What could possibly lead someone to be defensive? Maybe criticism and contempt from one's partner?

Even if you've had trouble with the first two, you can avoid engaging in this one if you do one simple (we mean borderline impossible) thing: Never take anything personally.

Almost nothing anyone says or does is because of you. Their fears, their shame, their lack of self-love drives so many of their behaviors. (This is a question for you, Judgy: did someone judge you or make you feel shame growing up? Oftentimes the people with the most personal shame are the ones shaming or criticizing others.)

Do whatever you can to hear your partner when they tell you what they need from you without trying to defend yourself or be a victim. This is one of the hardest things to do in a relationship, but you'll find when you let go of being right just a few times you'll start wondering why it was ever so important to you.

Who's keeping track? Do you remember every time you were ever right?

We don't.

So let it go, for cripe's sake.

Because you will never, ever regret responding with love.

4. Stonewalling

Like defensiveness, Gottman claims stonewalling is often a result of couples engaging in the other three horsemen.

This is when one or both members of a couple give up and walk away from an argument without resolving anything, or simply shut down because they're emotionally overwhelmed.

Mike and Carol Brady never did this, and they will be together forever in syndication.

Once you've gotten to the point of stonewalling, you may be in trouble and should consider seeking help, because at least one of you sees the problem as insurmountable.

Gottman's stonewalling solution is to take a 20-minute break, then return to the discussion. Our suggestion is to make it 22 and watch an episode of Key and Peele on Hulu. By the time it's over you may forget why you were arguing.

There's a lot of other great stuff in the book, Judgy, but these seemed like a nice place to get you started.

We're excited that you know you have a problem and you want to change. That's not half the battle—it's more like 15% of it—but it's something.

Good luck,

The Scarlets

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