The Scarlet Letters: Making a House a Home

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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week, our letter comes from a newlywed who’s a little concerned about making sure their house never appears on an episode of “Hoarders.” What would you tell them? Send us questions, rants and really good cheesecake recipes at [email protected].

Dear Scarlets,

I'm recently married and very happy, but found myself in an unexpected situation with my new partner.

After months of looking and negotiation, I finally bought a cute row house in Milwaukie. It took me a tremendous amount of work till I finally had a home I was proud of, and able to welcome my new relationship into.

So here is the rub. Once we decided to live together, I found I am much better at cleaning, cooking, and generally keeping the house together, but my partner still needs to nest and make the home theirs as well. How do I give my partner space when often times I find myself cleaning up their mess?

Thanks so much!

-Concerned in Milwaukie

Dear Concerned,

Recently married, eh? As Meg Ryan said in When Harry Met Sally, “It’s just so optimistic of you, Harry.”

One of us may be feeling a little dark this week, but we’ll attempt to put that aside and answer your household question.

First off, do not take this lightly or just “allow things to happen naturally.” Based on what you’ve told us so far, the two of you have very different housekeeping styles—as in, you have a housekeeping style and your new housemate? Not so much.

If left unchecked, this arrangement is a recipe for disaster, the disaster being that you become the sole caretaker for the house and the proud owner of some hardcore, long-term seething anger. You need to address this issue immediately before your partner is completely settled into a new routine. I hope we’re not too late.

If you’ve been in the house for a couple months, this would be a good time to talk about how to best run the household. Do whatever you can to come into this conversation with no expectation or agenda about how you think things should run. You are no longer the boss of it. You’re the co-manager. Which sounds like a demotion, but the good news is that it comes with less work.

Talk about the things you like to do and the things you HATE to do. Maybe you hate vacuuming but don’t mind cleaning the kitchen and your new housemate has the opposite proclivities. PERFECT! YOU GUYS SHOULD GET MARRIED!!

There are going to be things that no one wants to do...make sure those things are evenly divided and that everyone feels the division of labor is fair.

Yes, this is an awkward and un-fun conversation, but these seemingly unimportant things add up to something important because you never, ever want this stupid crap to change how you feel about each other or get in the way of things that are actually important. It’s hard enough to find someone who wants to kiss you all the time and doesn’t mind your neurosis and thinks your mother’s mild racism is “adorable.” Don’t let the fact that they never do the dishes make you want to stab them in the neck with a dirty fork.

As far as setting up the household goes, it sounds like you have most of the ownership of the finding-and-purchasing-the-home process, and that can get dangerous. Even though your partner sounds like a little bit of a Messy Melissa or Sloppy Slim, you have to allow them to have their own sense of ownership in the home or the aforementioned seething anger will belong to them.

You may have to compromise on some things. Allow for the fact that not everything will be in the exact spot YOU need it to be in at all times. (I once lived with someone who was fond of picking up something I'd moved and saying, "Is this where you found this?" It wasn't where I found it, but it was where I WANT it. Dick.)

In the same way you did with the cleaning schedule and tasks, have a conversation about what matters to you, and more importantly, what doesn't matter. Was that weird unicorn lamp a gift from your grandfather? Did you buy that expensive-looking tchotchke at IKEA? They might be being careful about stuff you don't give a crap about and careless about stuff you do. More disaster recipes.

Ideally, the two of you have enough money to purchase some items together so you both have a sense of ownership and there are items in your space whose entire history began with the two of you.

As with the majority of stuff we address, communication is key here. If you lay it all out on the table for everyone to see, it’s easy to come to an agreement. Just make sure and clean that sh*t up once you’re done. We hate a messy table.

Love,

The Scarlets

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