The Scarlet Letters: The Fine Art of Fellating

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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

Welcome to the second installment of our oral pleasure series. Last week, we answered a lovely and thoughtful letter about cunnilingus. This week: fellatio!

You have something of great value in your mouth: the human jaw can exert a force of 170 psi (a pit-bull comes in at 230 psi), so in this position you hold all the cards. Use your powers for good.

We may start to sound like broken records here, but just like last week, we highly recommend asking your partner what turns him on before jumping in.  

One of us once had an experience with a partner three months into a relationship that was revelatory in the fellative arts department: all she did was ask him to tell her what he'd like her to do in one particular session. And while he had expressed previously that he'd really enjoyed her blowjobs, there were probably five new techniques he showed her that really worked for him and were exactly what he liked. What if she'd never asked? Maybe he would've eventually told her, but the dynamic with fellatio in a heterosexual relationship can be a little charged - a man asking for what he wants can seem demanding or overbearing when a woman is already in a somewhat submissive position. So tell him it’s okay to tell you what he wants. We found it to be incredibly hot.

Prelude to a Kiss

Appetizer or an entrée?: Do you want to be penetrated anywhere else besides your mouth after you provide this service? Be clear which it’s going to be so your partner can pace himself. 

Logistics: As we mentioned in our cunnilingus column last week, we’ve discovered the flavor of vaginal contraceptive film is disgusting and surprisingly anesthetizing, so plan the order of your activities accordingly. We did have a lube tasting recently, and there are some great flavorless lubes—just ask your local sex shop employee. 

Pillow talk: Tell him what you’re about to do to him. It definitely adds to the experience, and once you get going, conversation will become significantly more difficult.

Ergonomics: To begin with, get into a position that’s comfortable for you to maintain and allows your head and hands to move. Kneeling between his outstretched legs is a good place to start, and is ideal for spit physics (it runs down, not up!), but sometimes it’s hotter for both of you to have you on your knees, or him looming over you as you lie on the bed. It’s your choice.

Introductions: Get down there and make friends. Penises and their companion scrotums vary greatly in size, color, shape, hairiness, and smell. Find out what you’re working with, and respond to a size surprise only if it’s a positive (“It’s so much smaller than it looked in your Dockers” is not great pillow talk). If things could be fresher, suggest a sexy couple’s shower or leave, because, ew. Seriously. Wash your business, fella.

The Act

Soft lips, soft tongue: Start out soft, licking and slowly moving your lips in a loose “O” up and down the top third of his penis. Lick it slowly like a popsicle from the bottom to the top, pausing at the top to circle the head softly.

Your friend the frenulum!: Called the "F spot" by some, the frenulum is the elastic band of connective tissue on the underside of the penis where the head meets the shaft. The concentration of nerve endings is supposedly higher here than any other part of the penis, so give it some special attention.

Just spitballing here…: Female fellators, deal with it: spitting is hot! Yes, it’s definitely gross on the street, but in the bedroom, it’s ambrosia. It’s a highly effective and inexpensive lube, so let go of all the cultural bullshit around what’s ladylike and what’s not and get him as wet as you possibly can. (Blowjobs aren’t like pizza - there IS such a thing as a bad blowjob, and most men will tell you it’s when they’re dry.) 

Lube: If you’re not as adept at spit production as you’d like to be, you can augment your spit with lube. Our favorite for this task is coconut oil because it smells fantastic and leaves his penis feeling soft and supple. It doesn’t play well with latex, unfortunately, so if vaginal or anal penetration is the main event, plan ahead. 

Blandjob? Hojob?: We don’t know what the correct portmanteau is here, but the perfect blowjob is actually a marriage of a great blowjob and a great hand job, working in harmony. Once he’s lubed up enough with your (incredibly hot!) spit, use your hands to stroke the part of his penis that doesn’t fit into your mouth. Go up and down. Go around in a twisty motion. Stroke his balls, or under his balls, or run your finger tip or thumb up the length of his penis from underneath. Try lots of things, which brings us to…

Variety is the spice of blowjobs: Vary everything until you find what works: the pressure of your grip, the lightness of your lips around him, try loose and sloppy with some tongue action, tighter with more suction—keep experimenting until he gets to the point of no return.

Eye contact: We’ve found that this is extremely powerful - it can be difficult based on the position you’re in, but studies have shown that men are aroused by visual input more than any other sense. So while you might think it’s hard to look hot with a dick in your mouth, we guarantee your partner would beg to differ.

The Power of the Tongue: The great difference between the mouth and your other orifices is the amount of control the tongue provides. Don’t just let it lie there. While he’s in your mouth, run it up and down and along the sides. You’d be surprised at how much suction he likes - it’s probably more than you think. (As one of our past partners said, “You can be really mean to a dick.”)

Don’t stop ‘til you get enough: When you are doing something he likes, you’ll know -- if you’re paying attention. His breathing will get deeper and faster, his hips will move against you. He might pull on your hair or move your head with his hand to control the speed of the stroke. (If he does this and you don’t like it, tell him immediately. Or even better, set ground rules ahead of time. This can be a very triggering act, so clarity on this is key.) If he never wants to utter any other words, “Don’t stop” or “I’m close” are the most important to hear. This serves two purposes: it signals you to keep doing whatever’s getting him there, and it allows you to get out of the way if necessary.

Spit or Swallow?: That is the question. The answer is easy: your decision. He may have a preference, and it may involve your face or body (see our March 10th column), but ultimately you get to decide where the load lands. (Note: we also considered “where the package is delivered’ and “where the jizz is” as the ending of that sentence. We feel we made the right choice.) Swallowing is not everyone’s bag, but it’s often looked upon as a surprisingly affectionate act, as well as a way to keep pressure on the head as he comes, which we’ve been told is extremely pleasurable.

After party: The penis is exquisitely sensitive after ejaculation, so stop as soon as he stops pumping. 

Add-Ons

Teeth: Teeth are generally not welcome at this picnic, but one of us recently had a partner who loved to have us pull our teeth up his penis fairly tightly, so...this is another “ask what he wants” situation. But definitely—unless he signals or asks for tooth contact on his penis, do not apply it. 

Taint nothin’ but a thang: We learned in the fabulous fellatio class at She Bop that massaging the perineum, commonly known as the “taint,” is a great way to externally stimulate the prostate, which is thought of as the male g-spot for many.  

The Big Question: To Deep Throat or Not to Deep Throat? 

Deep throating a penis is (1) super important and (2) a learned skill that requires overcoming the gag reflex, right? WRONG! Our research shows that it’s way better to provide pleasure than earn bragging rights. Plus, it makes him feel huge if you can’t swallow it.

If you have a short jaw, a lot of big teeth, or it’s simply unpleasant for you, deep throating may not be an option for you. Don’t sweat it. Instead, put as much of the penis as you can into your mouth and use your hands as indicated above to create a wet tunnel that simulates a deep throat experience. 

If you are blessed with a big mouth/no teeth, no gag reflex and an oral fixation, then deep throating may be for you! Position yourself with your head back and neck extended so your throat is in line with your mouth, start with your tongue extended to give the back of your throat more space, and slide it in. Two pro moves here: one, continue to use your tongue to stimulate the shaft, and two, contract the back of your throat in a swallowing movement to stimulate the head. As Cosmo says about pretty much every sex tip they give, this will drive him crazy! 

Another great thing we learned in fellatio class was that it it’s actually possible to dull your gag reflex over time, so if it’s something that really turns him on, and you’d love to learn to do, there’s still hope for you! 

The interesting thing about deep throating is that it’s not the best sensation you can give him, but when it’s mixed in with your other tricks, it often gets a stronger response than anything else. The majority of the nerve endings are in the upper third of the penis, so it’s not the feeling as much as the enthusiasm that’s getting him off. Enthusiasm is HUGE here. Maybe you’re so enthusiastic that you have to touch yourself while sucking him off. Another giant turn-on for many.

Assplay: If he seems to enjoy having his nether regions stimulated, don’t be shy. You can lick and tickle the scrotum and the area around it -- both fore and aft. If your mouth can accommodate them and he’s indicated that they’re not too sensitive, ball sucking is generally appreciated. Then move further back if you get the green light -- many men respond tremendously well to anal stimulation (although many are bashful about admitting it). A well-placed (and lubed) finger can make the difference between good and great fellating.

Boobage: If you have breasts and they are large-ish, you can try using them as bread for a penis sandwich, using your tongue to stimulate the head when it comes up. It’s a little acrobatic, but often worth the effort. 

Possible Side-Effects

Cock-jaw. It’s no laughing matter! Your jaw can get pretty sore, and so can the back of your throat even if his penis doesn’t touch it. If your jaw starts to ache or lock up, it’s time for a break. Use your hands or your breasts, or guide his hands down and ask him to show you what he does for himself. Or just move on to other activities. The penis is the jungle gym of genitalia: your choices are really limitless.

So that was a lot. We hope it was helpful. As usual, if you have other thoughts, disagree with any of our advice or this week’s column has sparked your own question, ask away either in the comments or via email. 

Until then, enjoy! 

~ The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected]. 

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.

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