The Scarlet Letters: The Lose-Lose Situation of Revealing a Cheater

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Tuesday, May 26, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week, we look at a person trapped between a rock and a cheating husband, and a woman whose honeymoon was ruined by her own neurosis. Have a question or comment? Email us at [email protected]. 

Dear Scarlets,

Yesterday my best friend invited me to have dinner with her -- she had a free evening because her husband was going to have beers with a work friend going through a divorce. I couldn’t join her because I already had plans.

So I was at Happy Hour at the Palm Court in the lobby of the Benson Hotel, and my best friend’s husband went waltzing by with a woman who was not my friend. I was instantly suspicious, so I excused myself to go to the Ladies and followed them at a safe distance. Sure enough -- Husband and Other Woman were checking in. No luggage. Husband did not see me.

I’m freaking out. What do I do? Do I tell my friend what I saw? Do I confront Husband? Do I stay out of it and pretend I don’t know? Is Husband really stupid enough to check into a downtown Portland hotel at Happy Hour with his mistress? Couldn’t they go to a cheap motel near the airport like everyone else?

Please help me sort this out!

Signed,

Nancy Drew

Dear Nancy,

Oh, dear. You’ve stepped in it now. And it’s going to be really, really hard to get this one off your (gum)shoe.

While we admire your spunk, we wish you would’ve continued with your lovely, quiet and surreptitious-assignation-free happy hour. Because now you’re in a damned-if-you-do, even-more-damned-if-you-don’t situation with your friend.

The first thing we’d say you should do is to gauge your friend’s view and/or definition of marital infidelity. There’s a chance (while small) that your friend and her husband have an arrangement and that she knew exactly where he was going that night. She may have lied to you to avoid having to explain what can be a complicated situation. We know a few couples with open marriages who haven’t told even their closest friends for fear of being judged. They could be one of them (if so, tell Rick and Edna we said hi!*).

If you discern that she thinks slinking off for a night at the Benson with another woman is cheating, then you have a big decision to make.

While weighing your options, make sure that you’re thinking about her feelings and not your own. Many people in these situations think about what they would want instead of what their friend would want, and often those are two very different things.

There are women (not us!) who firmly believe in “Don’t ask, don’t tell” when it comes to infidelity. Is your friend more of an ostrich or a peacock when it comes to things like this? If she’s an ostrich, it might be best to just shove your head down into the dirt with her...we know it sounds unpleasant, but summer’s coming and it’ll be dark and cool in there. Almost refreshing if it wasn’t for all the, y’know, dirt.

If you decide that the truth is the best thing for her (his needs aren’t really your concern at this point), we’d suggest going to him first. This is his truth to tell, not yours. Also, he knows the whole story—all you saw was one inopportune moment in a hotel lobby. Let him know you saw him and if he isn’t honest with her about it, you’ll roofie him, then gingerly place his testicles in his bench vise and can’t be responsible for what happens after that. Sometimes people’s fingers slip.

Or, just say if he doesn’t tell her, you will. Give him a deadline, and see how that goes over (make sure you’re in a public place in case things go sideways).

Then be prepared for the fallout. Losing his friendship is a given, but losing hers is also a very real possibility. If she chooses to stay with him, she could be embarrassed and angry with you in a shoot-the-messenger-y way or feel too ashamed to continue seeing you.

Don’t judge her if she stays with him. We all believe we know exactly how we’d react in a given situation, and then it happens to us and it turns out we’re human.

If she does end things with him, she might resent you for ending her relationship. Let her be. We know it’s not logical, but love isn’t logical and she’ll get over it eventually. Probably right after she gets over him.

Above all else, be her friend and remember that nothing about this situation is about you.

Good luck, Nancy. We look forward to reading your next big mystery.

~The Scarlets

*Just kidding. We’d never betray a confidence like this. Besides, their real names are George and Rita.

Dear Scarlets,

I just married my girlfriend of three years in a beautiful ceremony in Hawaii.

Two days after the wedding, we got a couples massage at the hotel, given by two muscular and pretty handsome men. I joked when we saw them that this would a dream for most women, but since we’re lesbians, it was wasted on us.

But I guess that wasn’t the case. My wife informed me after the massage that all that touching had really turned her on—feeling his muscular hands on her, feeling his legs against her body and even his penis “accidentally” rubbing on her feet—all of that masculine energy had churned up some powerful sexual feelings in her. She wanted to go back to the room and ravage me.

I was disgusted and saddened, and really angry. It was our HONEYMOON, and my wife (who used to periodically have sex with men) was telling me how hot she thought her massage was? And she wanted me to have sex with her while she was clearly thinking of HIM?

She apologized, but the rest of the honeymoon was ruined. She has tried to get me to talk about it but I’m not having it. I’m not sure which I’m more angry about, that she’s so insensitive or that she’s probably going to cheat on me with a man.

How should I handle this?

Signed,

Worried After Massage

Dear Worried,

We’re worried, too, and not about your wife.

Your wife clearly found your relationship to be a safe place to share her thoughts and feelings about and experiences with sex. She found her massage to be erotic and pleasurable, and told you about it. She did not comment on how hot the masseur was, only on how much pleasure she had received from the massage. And she didn’t get the masseur’s number so she could follow up with him later. She wanted to act on her arousal with you. She chose to use the experience as foreplay, and thought her arousal would be sexy to you.

It was not, for reasons you don’t mention but we’re sure are valid. Not being turned on by your wife’s experience is one thing and nobody is faulting you for it. Being mad at your wife for being turned on is something else entirely.

That she shared her experience with you is something we see as positive, rather than insensitive. It’s obvious that she expected something other than anger from you. That you interpreted her words and actions as insensitive and proof that she will cheat on you with a man is distressing.

Your reaction troubles us. It seems extreme for the circumstances. Harboring anger so long after the fact, especially when your wife has apologized and tried to talk about it, is a red flag. That such a small event could cause such a big crack in your view of the relationship points to deeper trust issues.

We encourage you think hard about why you expect cheating from your wife, and to talk with her about the mistrust and fear you now feel because of the massage incident. She sounds open to hearing you out.

Not accepting her apologies, not talking about it, and choosing to remain angry won’t help anything. If you really want to fix this, you need to be honest with yourself and with your wife. Doing so will not only make you happier, it will make your marriage stronger.

Unless it ends it, which would be sad, but possibly better than living with someone you distrust and resent.

We wish you the best.

~The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.

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