The Scarlet Letters: The Many Faces of Monogamy

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week, we look at a few different definitions of monogamy for a reader who’s nervous about entering into a long-term relationship, and even create a few definitions of our own. Comments? Questions? Write us at [email protected].

Dear Scarlets,

I’ve been seeing the same woman for seven months now, which is kind of a record for me. I’m 37 and I’ve been in plenty of relationships in my life, but never monogamous. Most of them have lasted a few months.

I’m pretty sure I love this woman, but she’s not willing to move forward with me unless we’re monogamous. I’m not sure I can agree to have sex with just one woman for months or years at a time, and it doesn’t feel like I should experiment on this woman I think I love.

Should I try it even though I might hurt her (and/or myself)? I feel trapped.

Signed,

Skeptical About Monogamy

Dear SAM,

Some people are built for monogamy and some are not. In the November 2012 issue of Vanity Fair, Dolly Parton referred to monogamy as “monotony.” Many people agree with her and her hair. Some of them identify as swingers, others as polyamorous (there IS a difference, perhaps to be explored in a future column). Some of them never act on their opinion. All these responses are valid.

Your first question for your partner is, “How do you define monogamy?” This will significantly inform whether or not you’re capable of it.

There are many different kinds of monogamy, and you can mix and match:

Sexual: You have sex only with each other.

Emotional: You share an emotional intimacy that you reserve exclusively for each other, but can each have sex with other people.

Social: You stay together for the kids, or because you’re great friends, but you have sex with other people.

Those three are the major umbrella terms that are currently used to describe monogamy, but we have a few to add:

Obligamy: You’ve been with this person for so long that you think breaking up with them would be cruel, or you feel like they’ve saved you from a life of jello shots and other bad decisions, so you stay with them.

Coterigamy: You don’t really love your partner anymore, but you have come to love your shared circle of family and friends so much that you don’t want to risk losing any of them.

Moneygamy: You can’t break up because then you’d be unable to pay rent on your own or have come to enjoy high-end sushi that is out of your personal price range.

Apathegamy: You’ve stopped caring about your job, car, hair, the fall TV season, and whether or not Joss Whedon will screw up the Star Wars franchise. You live in a giant ball of ennui about everything, including whether you stay with this person or not, so you stay, because what’s the difference? We’re all going to die anyway.

Satisfactamy: Your relationship is fine, and the world is a giant ball of crazy. You found someone whose crazy you can almost deal with, so why risk going out there again?

Fitnophobamy: You’re miserable in your relationship but can’t possibly start going to the gym again.

If you look at the majority of the definitions, they have a running thread: obligation. We believe the number of people who stay together in a sexless or loveless relationship because they feel like they should for one reason or another is far too high. Monogamy carries with it the risk of becoming one of these people. This may be where your fear is coming from.

But along with that obligation, if your relationship works, comes a lot of good stuff: comfort, true intimacy and a depth of feeling that only comes from really knowing someone.

If you commit to someone, you have to learn how to love them despite their faults, quirks, or the fact that they think Kevin James is a “comic genius.” It’s a difficult skill to learn, and the only way you can do it is to stick around, which it sounds like you haven’t done yet.

We have faith in you, SAM, we think you CAN stick around, just probably not in a sexually monogamous relationship, which is what we’re guessing your partner is looking for.

The tipoff is that you mentioned feeling trapped, and you haven’t even agreed to anything yet. That’s like feeling claustrophobic while looking at a picture of a box. So, since you feel the same way about sexual monogamy as we feel watching any film in the Saw franchise, we’d say that this current situation probably isn’t right for you.

We hope it really is the sexual monogamy that’s scary to you and not the emotional intimacy of a long-term relationship. If intimacy scares you, well, that’s a larger problem. You can survive a life without emotional intimacy, but we wouldn’t recommend it. Unless you’re a robot. Are you a robot? We should’ve asked that question first.

As far as your concern about “experimenting” on her, every relationship is an experiment in which you’re the control. This is a good thing to keep in mind if all your relationships end disastrously, with both participants emotionally bloodied. You have to ask yourself: what’s the constant here?

So, figure out what camp you’re in—monogamy or polyamory (we have an inkling of where you belong)—and then don’t hold anyone else accountable to your decision. We’re snowflakes. Snowflakes mind their own beeswax.

If you do decide you’re poly moving forward, it’s best to discuss your position with any romantic partners sooner rather than later to avoid tears and unfriending. If the two (or three) (or seven) of you can’t come to an agreement, maybe everyone should go home alone.

So you see, SAM, there are a lot of choices. You don’t have to be skeptical anymore, now that you know you can pick what’s right for you and let everyone else do the same.

You are very welcome.

Love,

The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.

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