The Scarlet Letters: The Mensch and the (Attempted) Homewrecker

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Tuesday, June 23, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week’s letters include notes from a mensch who just wants to meet the right woman, and a woman who’s met the right man, but he’s taken. Comments? Questions of your own? Write us at [email protected].

Dear Scarlets, 

I can’t meet women. To date, I mean. I have sisters, I love my mother, I had female friends growing up and still do. One of my college housemates (lady) is still one of my closest friends. She tries to fix me up but it never works out.

It’s my fault. I’m just not smooth. I’m not shy, I just get nervous and say dumb things, and then I’m embarrassed, and my embarrassed face looks grouchy, and there’s the end of that conversation.

Today in the grocery store an attractive woman smiled at me across the produce section. When she came my way I picked up an avocado, trying to be casual, and the entire display fell to the floor, taking a few neighboring mangos with it.

I managed to grab an avocado in each hand, and the woman laughed and said, “Nice catch!” She said it really friendly, not mocking me, and there are a million things I could have said but didn’t. I was embarrassed, and I already told you how that looks.

She walked away. They always walk away. How do I fix this?

I’m a nice guy. Not bad looking. I have a job I like that pays me well and a good circle of friends and family. I just can’t seem to convey any of my good qualities to women I find even remotely attractive. And really, at this point, my standards aren’t high.

I’m not asking you to make me into Rico Suave. Not interested in being a Romeo. I just want to be able to talk to women so I have a chance in hell of achieving my ultimate goal: a girlfriend.

Am I just too lame?

Signed,

A Lonely Mensch

Dear Mensch,

You are not lame. You sound wonderful. We have a couple of friends we wish we could send on dates with you.

*sigh*

We think your biggest problem is not your awkwardness but the fact that you see your awkwardness as a problem. Many women find awkwardness in a man rather endearing. It proves you are not a Lothario, and we’re a little flattered that our presence has such a powerful effect on you.

You can easily use this to your advantage. Example: She says, “Nice catch!” You say, “I’m so sorry. Attractive women make me nervous.” Now you’re having a conversation and she’s interested because you find her attractive and said so.

Ok, so it was in a roundabout way -- it still counts. Here in Portland men frequently do not say so, and it gets tedious trying to guess. Also, your honesty about being nervous will come off as refreshing and disarming. Bam! Your little awkward opener has set you up as a Man of Interest from the start.

Another avenue you might wish to pursue is online dating. The advantage is that you will have a rapport established by the time you meet her in person. If you still feel nervous the first time you’re face to face, say so. She will like you for it.

Something else to think about: just because you find a woman attractive doesn’t mean you like her. She may open her mouth and be the antithesis of all you admire and respect.

Don’t sell yourself short by grasping at the first attractive straw. You will get the hang of interacting with women and you will find you have choices.

And relax. Ha! Just kidding. Stay nervous and awkward. It’s who you are, and being authentic is powerfully attractive.

We hope you will use your new-found powers for good.

And let us know if you’d like to meet our friends.

Much love and an awkward hug,

The Scarlets

Dear Scarlets,

I've been single for about the past three years, and I've finally decided I'm ready to look for something serious.

I started dating a polyamorous guy about seven months ago, thinking it would be just perfect for the casual phase I was going through at the time. I've dated married men before, and it's always nice and light and when it ends, there are almost never any hard feelings because they have a safe place to land.

fMy problem is that I've grown attached to him. He's responsible, loving and a wonderful father. I've started to feel jealous about the time he spends with his wife and kids. I get snippy with him when he doesn't respond quickly enough to my texts, and we've started fighting a lot because I'm angry with him almost all the time for not putting me first.

His wife has a boyfriend she's pretty happy with as well, so I'm hoping she'll fall in love with him, they'll get divorced, and we'll all live happily ever after.

Am I nuts?

Sincerely,

Probably Deluded

Dear Definitely Deluded,

Even though you sort of answered your own question, we'll answer it for you as well.

You're nuts.

Well, you might be sane, but imagining that your married boyfriend is going to break the vows he's made to his wife and children in order to be with you is something someone who's read way too many Jackie Collins novels would think. Not that reading Jackie Collins is nuts. But BELIEVING Jackie Collins is nuts.

Because polyamorous relationships largely contradict the current standard relationship, often people entering into them from the outside sometimes adopt an "anything goes" approach. You might think, "Hey, look at me crushing cultural conventions! And while I'm at it, I might as well also break the new conventions this man and his wife have set up, because I'm a rebel and I want what I want."

This man might be on his way to ending his marriage, but it's not your job to help him do it. And if you do, we can almost guarantee you'll regret it. Play this out in your head: in the best-case scenario, you're the evil stepmother who broke up his kids' family. Christmas will be a bitch.

And while we can't tell you not to be angry with a man with a wife and children for not putting you first, we can tell you that anger is wrong-headed, especially if the deal you made from the outset was that you were going to be his secondary relationship.

Being someone's second, especially if you actually care for them, isn't for the faint-hearted, princesses, or those with low self-esteem. Being a second is great for an independent woman with a busy life who's perfectly fine seeing her boyfriend about once a week and getting her texts returned when he's not working, fixing dinner, at a ridiculously boring baseball game, avoiding sex with his wife, carpooling, fighting with his kids about bedtime or searching for a nonexistent splinter in a tiny finger. (So, later. Much later than you'd like.)

Any man who doesn't put his wife and family first is kind of a douchebag, right? Do you want to date a douchebag?

You can't be angry with this man for exhibiting the characteristics that probably attracted you to him in the first place. Our advice is to get out of this relationship as soon as possible and find a monogamous relationship where you'll be someone's one and only. (Polyamory isn't for everyone, and we definitely don't think it's for you.)

Sounds like this man was the perfect bridge to what you really want, just without the wife part. Let him go so you can let the real thing in.

Good luck,

The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.

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