The Scarlet Letters: The Naked Truth

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Tuesday, March 17, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

Welcome to The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal” in the bedroom. Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Naked Truth

Dear Scarlets, 

I don't want to go to strip clubs. I just don't. I am a woman. I have no problem with people expressing their sexuality (as long as no one gets hurt) and I have no problem with dancers. I think the female body is spectacular and I enjoy my own very much. I love sex and I love having sex. I just do not want to go to strip clubs.

It seems that over the past few years it has come to be expected that if you enjoy sex and are not a prude you should enjoy going to strip clubs and watching women you do not know spread their legs in your face and maybe put their face between your boobs. I don't enjoy that. If one of my girlfriends did either one of these things to me, I wouldn't be friends with her anymore. This does not make me uptight about sex, it makes me private. Public pubic displays are just not my thing.

My problem is that I keep having to explain why I don’t want to go, and I don’t want to have to anymore. It's my business -- just like it's your business if you want to visit a strip club or work in one. How can I not seem like a Puritan when saying "no thanks" to the invitation to hang out at Titsy McStripsalot’s?

Sincerely,

Private Dancer

Dear Private Dancer,

Isn’t it fascinating the way the tide turns? There was a time when a woman would be seen as a brazen hussy if she went to a strip club...now we find ourselves having to explain what’s wrong with us if we don’t want to go. It almost seems like we live in a culture where women are judged regardless of what we do. That would be so weird, wouldn’t it?

Here’s the thing, Tina Turner: you DON’T need a reason to decline attending a strip club. Fully 50% of The Scarlets have been strippers, 100% of us have been to strip clubs, and 0% of us are are eager to do it again

We think a simple “No thanks” is perfect, but if you’re concerned that your friends are going to judge you for your choice not to go (in which case, why are they your friends again?), here are some possible answers to invitations:

• “I’d love to, but I’m allergic to bejeweled butt plugs” and/or “I’m afraid of flying genital jewelry. You’ll put an eye out, kid!”
• “I read that those poles are not OSHA certified. I won’t go until they are.”
• “I’d go, but I already own a full set of the items available.”
• “My mother was gravely injured in a stripping accident. It’d be great if you’d never bring it up again.”
• “Sorry, but vaginas are weird. Who designed those things?”
• “I won’t go until they move the sneeze guard at the salad bar down to crotch level.”
• “I can’t. Breasts remind me of mountains, which bring up a terrible trip I took to Deux-Montagnes in Quebec. I had the worst gas the whole trip and I threw up on my sherpa. Do you want to hear more about it, or should we drop the strip club thing forever?”

 

In solidarity, but with respect to those of different preferences,

~ The Scarlets

Too Much of a Good Thing

Dear Scarlets,

I love sex. My husband and I have been together for four years and the sex is still pretty great. He knows exactly what gets me off and always makes sure I’m taken care of first. I’m a happy lady!

I feel bad even complaining, because it sounds like a humblebrag, but my husband lasts too long.

The thing is, I love intercourse, I’m just not in love with intercourse. Oral sex is what totally does it for me, so penis-in-vagina sex is more for sport (and him) than anything. The intimacy I feel with him inside me is amazing, it’s just not what gets me off. The worst part of it is that it seems like he’s actually trying to last a long time and, honestly, it ends up getting kind of tedious for me.

There are times when it takes me a while to have an orgasm, so I know I’m all pot-calling-the-kettle-black-ish here, but is there a way to speed him up without making him feel bad?

Help!

~The Humble Braggart

Dear Humble Braggart,

How. Dare. You.

We are appalled that you don’t appreciate something so many women would kill for! You should immediately train yourself to orgasm from intercourse because your vagina is clearly broken.

Or not.

Surprisingly, a lot of women share your “problem.” There are a ton of studies on this, and the numbers are all a little different, but all signs point to the fact a fairly small percentage of women have orgasms from vaginal penetration alone without some additional clitoral stimulation. This may be why that perfectly timed and perfectly lit simultaneous orgasm is like the unicorn of sex acts: elusive, but beautiful and rainbow-inducing when you discover one. (We blame Hollywood and porn for this myth, by the way.)

The solution to your issue is going to depend largely on communication. If you’re not comfortable talking to him about sex, this is going to be a tough one. A little whiskey might help loosen things up conversationally. Just don’t try to have sex after.

Firstly, don’t in any way call his performance into question or get blame-y. Maybe the next time he takes a while, say something like, “Wow. That was EPIC! I loved it. But y’know, there are some times when I’d love to help you come faster. How can I do that?”

Often, there are things that men like that they might not want to admit to. For some men, all it takes is a little finger in the right spot and they arrive immediately. Sometimes, just the novelty of any new act is enough. Asking him if there’s anything he’s always wanted, but has been afraid to ask for is a good question no matter what the situation.

Next up is a conversation that’s about as intimate as it gets: does he masturbate, and when he does, how hard is he gripping his Little Caesar?  (Doesn’t sound invasive at all, does it? Again..whiskey might help here!)

If he is masturbating, you might ask if it’s possible for him to cut down a bit and let things build up so his penis is that much happier to see you.

And as far as the gripping question goes...this may sound odd, but there is a phenomenon known as the “death grip” that can make it harder for men to achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration because they’re able to grasp their penis so much harder when they masturbate.

The good news is, if your husband has this issue, it’s something that can be fixed. Some men have found that if they use a fleshlight, it more closely approximates a vagina (which is great, since that’s its job). If they start loosening their grip, their penis can actually adapt to a softer touch.

There is also a possibility that it’s a medical issue -- recent studies have indicated that there is an increase in what doctors refer to as Delayed Ejaculation, or DE, due to men taking SSRIs for depression, increased access to porn, and generalized anxiety. Could any of those be contributors for him?

The biggest help in your situation is going to comfortable, friendly, CASUAL, and hey-this-isn’t-a-big-deal-but-it-would-be-nice conversation around it. This is an issue for both men and women, it’s just that it can be more touchy for men since their issue can be far more obvious (when things get soft) and more tied in with questions of virility.

The great thing is that this conversation, if it goes well, will increase your emotional intimacy as well if he realizes you’re on his (and his penis’!) side.

Here’s to less of a good thing, HB!

With love,

The Scarlets

Questions? We’re listening. Write to us at [email protected]. If you’re shy, go to anonymouse.org to send your question anonymously.

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