The Scarlet Letters: The Problems of Fantastic Sex and No Sex

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Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Courtenay Hameister, GoLocalPDX Contributor

This week’s column explores two relationships in very different places; one in the beginning, when our biggest problems reside in our heads, and the other later on, when problems are real, but can still be overcome.

Dear Scarlets,

I’m a woman in my late 40s, and I started dating a dynamic, smart, beautiful woman last October.

We have a great relationship! We love spending time together, but also have very active social lives apart from one another. She activates my imagination, challenges me mentally and the sex is fantastic.

There’s just this one nagging thing: I’m chubby. Plump. Corn-fed.

She’s a friggin’ marathon runner and has a gorgeous, toned athletic body. I’ve dated skinny girls before and their friends have told them “they could do better” because I’m so heavy.

I’m afraid this is going to happen with her, and that she’s going to listen to them. I never want her to be ashamed to be with me.

Should I be worried?

-Zaftig And Worried About It

Dear ZAWAI,

STOP. IT. RIGHT. NOW.

In the first three sentences of your letter, you described a perfect relationship. In fact, we kind of hate you for the humblebrag.

Not really. But seriously, ZAWAI, you’re creating a problem where there isn’t one.

If you feel unhealthy or uncomfortable in your own skin, then maybe think about a weight loss plan. But if you feel healthy and beautiful and, as you say, “the sex is fantastic,” you don’t have a problem.

Unless your partner is an exceptional actress, your whole package, brain and body, does it for her. If she wasn’t attracted to you, she wouldn’t be able to muster up the enthusiasm (and bodily fluids) for fantastic sex.

If you’d written us saying that you’d gained 50 pounds since you started dating this woman and that she had lost interest in sex with you, we’d be concerned. Of course we believe you should love who you love at any size or shape, but if someone gains a significant amount of weight or otherwise changes their physical appearance dramatically and expects it not to change how their partner views them sexually, they’re delusional. Sexuality is a combination of the brain and the body, and if the body changes in a significant way, that changes the sexual dynamic and needs to be addressed or the sex will wane.

This isn’t the case with you. She saw you, your round belly, your more-than-a-handful of breasts, your ample thighs and what I assume is a decent amount of junk in your trunk and said, “I would like a piece of that, please. I would like lots of pieces of that. In fact, I would like to gorge myself on pieces of that very possibly for the rest of my marathon-running, smoothie-drinking, skinny-ass life.”

You never know what someone’s thinking until you ask, and we recommend not asking until there’s a reason to.

For now, hear her when she tells you you’re beautiful, don’t think of the burrito you just ate when she kisses you and touches your belly (unless it had a lot of onions in it—then go brush your teeth), and don’t create problems where there aren’t any.

And as far as whether her friends are going to say something to her about your weight, if you hear of this happening, your biggest concern should be that she would befriend such shallow assholes at all, not that she might listen to them.

With that said, go forth, and have more fantastic sex with your smart girlfriend, you ridiculously hot piece of (ample) ass.

Love,

The Scarlets  

Dear Scarlets,

I’m a 41-year-old stay-at-home mom married 12 years with a five-year-old daughter. My wife and I have fallen out of love. We haven’t acknowledged it in so many words, but when we have date night there’s nothing to say. We talk about the kid.

We don’t have sex. She has kind of let herself go and is not attractive to me. We go to counseling, but we don’t talk about anything real.

For the past year or so I’ve been doing a lot of escapist reading, and I’ve discovered a deep and abiding interest in BDSM. I want to explore it and my own sexuality.

I want to preserve our family unit, but I don’t want to lead a loveless, sexless, boring life. I want passion and romance and excitement! I feel like I’m being buried alive in suburban mediocrity! Please help me, dear Scarlets.

-Wanna-BDSM

Dear Wanna,

First off, fire your lazy therapist right away. Find one who specializes in same-sex and non-traditional relationships. We have a list -- email us if you’d like a recommendation.

Wanna, the clock is ticking. Life goes by so quickly. Let’s not waste time in getting you what you want.

Your list is short: to explore your sexuality and to preserve your family unit. It is possible to do both, and there are many paths to achieving it.

They all begin with the magic C word: communication. Start a conversation when you have some privacy and some time. Tell your wife you’ve discovered something that interests you, that really resonates with you, and you’d like to explore it. Let her ask some questions. Share a book with her, or maybe just the juicy part where the woman gets tied up and lightly flogged (note: the book should NOT be Fifty Shades of Grey. Your partner will never forgive you.) Read aloud if that feels right.

Perhaps ask her if she’d like to take a class—we know of one that She Bop offers, an introduction to BDSM. By doing this, you are including her in the endeavor, making it less scary for her—and for you. Being surrounded by other people with your same curiosity can be comforting, and as a family unit you are a team, and it’s a good idea to give your team first ups.

Give your wife the right of first refusal. She may be as bored as you are and jump at the chance to try something different. Who knows what kinks are lying dormant in her?

If she declines to participate, let the topic go for the moment. Give her a day or two to process the information. Don’t let this issue become a hot button. You want to keep it open for discussion, because you’ll have a lot more talking ahead of you if you have to explore BDSM without her while preserving your family unit.

If that turns out to be the case, write us again and together we can formulate next steps. A life force as strong as yours can’t be buried by the suburbs. You are not mediocre, and you’re not dead yet.

We are toasting the adventures ahead of you right this very moment! Because vodka in the afternoon is totally appropriate for writers.

With love and libations --

The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.

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