The Scarlet Letters: The Younger Man and the Not-so-Sexy Pic

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Tuesday, May 05, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week we tackle the age-old question of age differences, and a the somewhat new problem of the pervasiveness of the unsolicited dick pic. Have your own questions about love and sex? Write us at [email protected].

Everything Old is New Again

Dear Scarlets, 

I am 45 and recently met a wonderful man. We have fun, endless conversation, and great sex. I see this going somewhere.

My friends do not, and it's because I am 13 years older than this man. One friend thinks I am trying to recapture my youth (is it already so far gone?), another thinks I am emotionally immature, and a third went so far as to call me a cougar.

What should I do? Is this too big an age gap? It never seems to be an issue when we're together, but I'm afraid that perhaps there are aspects of the age disparity that I am not paying attention to. Your thoughts?

Sincerely,

Young at Heart

Dear Young at Heart,

If you and the young gentleman are comfortable with the age gap, we see no reason for you to let your friends' mean-spirited and perhaps jealousy-fueled comments dim your joy.

If you are trying to recapture your youth, we hope you find it. If you are emotionally immature then perhaps a younger mate is the perfect match. If you are a cougar we applaud your audacity.

Does this man make you feel loved, respected, cared for, beautiful, smart, and sexy? Good -- carry on. 

Is he accepting of the fact that you could have been his babysitter? Are you? Then continue carrying on.

Does he try to take advantage of your probably-more-secure-because-you've-been-working-longer financial situation? That’s a red flag.

Possible downsides we can see: you will have different music and movie references, and he'll be better with technology than you are. You will get old first, so all the trouble that many women have with aging may be magnified for you. If he wants kids, you have some conversations ahead of you. If you look older than your age and he is particularly boyish you may occasionally be mistaken for his mom.

Upsides: Hell, he's 32! Do we really need to break it down for you?

Go ahead, with our blessing, and have fun.

Oh, btw -- what a bunch of bitches you hang out with.

Love,

The Scarlets

Picture Imperfect

Dear Scarlets, 

After being in a monogamous relationship for eight years and lonely for the past two I sucked it up and began online dating. It's ok, but I have to ask -- WHAT is UP with the dick pics?? I don't get it, I don't like it, and I don't want to see another one ever. EVER ever. 

I haven't talked with my friends about this because, frankly, I'm repulsed by the entire topic. But I'm also curious in a train-wreck kind of way. When did they become a thing? And why? And am I the only woman in the world who doesn't like/want/welcome them? They are a deal-breaker for me—get one from a guy, he's dead to me. Did I become a prudish old lady over the last 10 years and not notice, or what?

Thanks for clarifying.

Sincerely,

Cringing While I Text

Dear CWIT,

To answer your first question (“When did they become a thing?”), we think men sending pictures of their dicks probably began when fire was invented and men realized they could form a penis shape with the smoke. Known as “poke signals,” the smoke penises would indicate a man’s readiness for sexual congress to all the members of his tribe, even when they were out hunting and gathering.

Not really.

But we do think that as soon as men were able to take photographs, someone probably sent a dick pic to their girlfriend Delilah via Pony Express. Because men enjoy their penises and are generally proud of them.

According to a Match.com survey, dick pics are the #1 turnoff for women, so why do men send them?  

We think it's largely due to projection—men are far more visually oriented than women, and therefore are likely to want to see your naughty bits. So they assume you feel the same way. 99.99999% of women don’t.

Additionally, when it comes to love, women lead with their heads and men lead with their...other heads. Men often find love by starting out with the sex part, so that may seem logical to them. 

And lastly, some men may do it as a way to exert power, or get attention. Men on dating sites tend to send messages to a LOT of women before getting a response. Do you remember those kids in school who preferred getting yelled at to getting no attention at all? Those kids grew up to be dick pic senders. 

If you get an unwanted dick pic, don’t respond with a lot of feeling. For many men, that's exactly what they're looking for, and it shows them that they've gotten to you. Simply say that's not what you're interested in and move on. (Or, you could send them a picture of your thumb and forefinger held about an inch apart with the message: "Sorry. You must be at least this tall to ride this ride.")

If you’re a man and reading this, you should know that if you’re sending an unsolicited dick pic to a woman, it’s getting passed around a table and ridiculed over cocktails. Why? Because what you’ve done is the social media equivalent of flashing someone on the subway. It’s creepy, it’s unwarranted and frankly, you should know better. (Unless you’re on Grindr, where we understand the Dick Pic is de rigeur for starting off any conversation with a bang!)

We feel the exact same way you do about this, CWIT, and if we can educate even one man to quit with the dick pics, we’ll be happy. That’s why we’ve created the handy flow chart (to the right) that answers the age-old question, “Should I Send Her a Dick Pic?”

We hope it helps reduce your dick pic volume. 

Good luck,

The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.

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