The Scarlet Letters: Time to Squirt and the Ashley Madison Hack

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Tuesday, July 28, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week, we address a man who’s curious as to how long it takes to get a woman to squirt (hoo boy), and our take on the ashleymadison.com hack. Comments? Questions? Write us at [email protected].

Hello sir,

I have a question about female orgasm. I want to know what is the squirting or discharging time of a 30-year-old woman?

I have sex with my girlfriend, she is a good sex partner. Her vagina is not so loose.

But during sex or after she has said, “I squirted two times,'' but I don't think so.

I have done sex with her for 15 min but she did not squirt. How much time makes her squirt? Please tell me: what is the sex time of a 30-year-old woman?

Signed,

Waiting

Dear Sir,

First of all, where are you from? We love your accent! And congrats on the non-loose vagina, we guess? That may not have been necessary information, but good for you!

Secondly, female ejaculation, colloquially referred to as squirting or gushing, is a much-debated and not very well-researched aspect of female orgasm. It is a documented phenomenon, but there is no unifying theory about the exact source, nature, and composition of the fluid.Although the topic has been discussed in medical, biological, and anatomical literature, there is no consensus. Even modern sexologists can’t agree on the matter. Some benighted individuals still insist that female ejaculation is nothing more than loss of bladder control during orgasm.

The lack of understanding is compounded by a lack of exact statistics. Some researchers report that as few as 6% of women ejaculate with orgasm, and others have set the number as high as 69%.

Reports on the volume of fluid expelled vary, too -- anywhere from a few drops to 5 ml (about a teaspoon). For comparison purposes, the average male load also comes in at around 5 ml, with an overachiever somewhere breaking the curve with a 13 ml wad.

Some women report that they can ejaculate without climaxing, while others state they can ejaculate (or not) at will when aroused -- before, during, or just after an orgasm, or not at all if they choose.

Some sexologists believe it is possible for women to learn to ejaculate. Others deny it.

So what have we learned so far? Some women do, some don’t. Some do a little, some a lot. Some can control it, others can’t. Maybe it can be taught, but maybe not.

Does that clear things up?

Now about your girlfriend. She may feel that she has “squirted” but the amount of fluid isn’t enough for you to notice. She may be lying so you’ll get off of her. She may have seen a woman ejaculate in porn and now believes she’s supposed to do it, too. You’ll have to ask her those questions.

Which brings us to your question: how much sex time makes her squirt? If you’ve read the foregoing carefully, you now know several new things. Your girlfriend may not squirt, gush, or otherwise ejaculate at all. Even if she does, it may be in an amount too small for you to notice. And even if it’s not, it may be produced before or after her orgasm, when you are not looking for it.

We appreciate your concern for your girlfriend and the amount of sex time necessary for her to squirt, but we believe you are confusing ejaculation with satisfaction. This is a mistake. Please stop doing the math of x minutes sex time = female pleasure. It doesn’t work like that.

Talk to your girlfriend about this. Make it your mission to find out what she likes and how she likes it.  If you discover she can ejaculate, find out what helps that happen. If she is not an ejaculater, it doesn’t mean she’s not enjoying sex with you, so quit expecting her to squirt.

And quit watching the clock.

Love,

The Scarlets

The Ashley Madison Hack

We didn't get a specific question about this, but a few readers have asked what we think of the story, so we thought we'd address it.

If you're unfamiliar with the story, AshleyMadison.com, an internet dating site for married people wanting to have "discreet affairs," was recently hacked by a group calling themselves "The Impact Team."

The Impact Team claimed to breach the site due to anger over their  "full delete function." Turns out, if you've been a user and you want to fully delete your information from the site, you have to pay anywhere from $10-$20 for that pleasure. (If that sounds like extortion, that's because IT TOTALLY IS.) The company made $1.7 million in revenue from this feature in 2014 alone.

Is that a truly terrible function? Absolutely. Does extorting the company by threatening to expose the information The Impact Team claims should be protected cause a kind of snake-eating-its-tail-brain-explosion in any thinking person? YES.

Ashley Madison changed their policy after the hack, making it free to get your information scrubbed on July 20th, but now the Impact Team claims they'll keep revealing users until the site is totally shut down. (They released two users' information on July 22nd, including one who was into "cuddling & hugging...and discretion & secrecy," the second half of which seems redundant. But who are we to edit?)

If you read social media, you won't find much sympathy for the hacked users.

Twitter user Sara ASR says, "Good luck, guys. All 37 million of you are actually the worst." 

#ashleymadison - good luck, guys. all 37 million of you are actually the worst.

— Sara (@SaraASR) July 20, 2015

(There are actually over 38 million users, but who's counting?)

@CassandraRules tweeted, "Normally I'm all about respecting people's privacy, but this hack is just too much of an epic hulk smash. #AshleyMadison."

Normally I'm all about respecting people's privacy, but this hack is just too much of an epic hulk smash. #AshleyMadison

— Cassandra Fairbanks (@CassandraRules) July 20, 2015

And one user, @MarkTScott simply posted an image of the site's homepage along with a picture of The Simpsons' Nelson punctuated by his signature "Ha ha!"

Ashley Madison #ashleymadison pic.twitter.com/PFlvokzw5Q

— Mark Scott (@marktscott) July 20, 2015

It's not surprising that there's not a lot of sympathy for users of a site whose tagline is "Life is short. Have an affair."

They're all assholes, right? All 38 million of them.

Not necessarily.

Sure. Yes. A large percentage of them are probably serial cheaters and/or narcissistic sociopaths with no regard for their partner's feelings. Those are people you probably don't want to hang out with.

But what would you say to the woman who's been married for 23 years and whose husband simply doesn't want to have sex with her anymore, and also refuses to talk to her or a therapist about it? She loves him, and lack of sex isn't reason enough to end their marriage, but she needs sex. If she signed on to the site to find someone to fulfill her needs discreetly and avoid hurting her husband, would you fault her for it?

Or what about the man whose wife takes anti-depressants that kill her sex drive, so she's said she's written off sex forever, but isn't willing to discuss a way to get his needs fulfilled, so he's gone sex-free for six years? Would you fault him for signing on?

And even if you did fault him for signing on, do you believe that a person's right to privacy is based on whether or not their sexual ethics fall within a certain socially acceptable realm?

Like, for instance, if you tell your friend that you love anal but he's disgusted by it, it's cool if he tells all the rest of your friends you're into it because, y'know, it's gross, right? And you're gross. And deserve to be humiliated publicly.

That's clearly a road we all want to go down.

So, yeah. We don't agree with the people who say it's cool that these names will be released. Because even serial cheaters and narcissistic sociopaths have the same right to privacy that you do.

We understand that there's a sense among some people that if we "allow" all consenting adults to do what they want with one another, soon the world will fall into sexual chaos and everyone will have their own reality show and love will die.

But we won't, and they won't and it won't. People who are loving and kind and honest will get that in return and people who aren't, won't.

Stop worrying about what other people are doing and concentrate on your own sexual game. Because that one thing you do that you think is amazing? It could totally be more amazing and maybe, technically, isn’t actually that amazing if we’re honest.

But we won’t tell anyone. Because that’s your business.

Love,

The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.

Related Articles

• The Scarlet Letters: The Naked Truth
• The Scarlet Letters: The Lose-Lose Situation of Revealing a Cheater
• The Scarlet Letters: The Un-Frigid Woman and a Question of Cheating
• The Scarlet Letters: Two Sides of the Same Sexless Coin
• The Scarlet Letters: The Younger Man and the Not-so-Sexy Pic
• The Scarlet Letters: Not Ready For My Closeup—To Film or Not to Film?

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