The Scarlet Letters: Two-on-One — Fantasy vs. Reality

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week’s column explores the pervasive two-on-one fantasy that many couples have, and the reality of making those fantasies come to life.

Dear Scarlets,

I'm mostly happy with my sex life as it is, but my problem is that my girlfriend has planted a seed in my head and now I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

We've been together about three years, and about a year ago she started hinting that she fantasized about being with me and another guy. Then we started watching two-men-on-one-woman porn together and it was hot as hell. She's even asked me to start saying stuff about it while we have sex and it really gets her off (it's a little awkward for me, but that's another issue).

I really want to do it for real, but she laughs every time I bring it up like I'm joking. Should I press the issue or just drop it? Dropping it should be easy, but I kinda don't want to because now I think I want it more than she does. Not sure what that means.

Signed,

Wanting A Two On One

Dear WATOO,

You have a dream. That’s good! Aspiration grows your soul. Aspiration makes Olympians. With some determination and a lot of communication (that’s right; we used the “c” word again) it’s possible you could make your dream a reality and become a Gold Medalist in the tricky sport of fantasy transmogrification.

Getting the Facts. That your girlfriend is turned on by two-men-on-one-woman (TMOOW) porn and pillow talk is heartening, but it doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to actually participate in the activity. Fantasies are called fantasy because they are not real. Not everyone wants to live their fantasies. Step one for you is to figure out if your girlfriend wants to live hers.

Discussion. Talking about it is necessary. Be honest and clear. Tell her you are interested in making the TMOOW dream come true and ask how she feels about it. Find out if she’s truly interested in exploring the situation.

Allow for some bashfulness on her part -- you said she “hinted” at this fantasy before coming out with it, so we assume she’s a little shy when talking about what she wants. Listen with your full attention to what SHE wants. At the very least, the communication necessary to resolve this situation will be very good for your relationship because it opens a clear channel between you.

Doin’ It. If she agrees that getting into an actual bed with you and another actual man is something she actually wants to do, you come to the sticky wicket of fantasy realization: how to make it happen. There are many avenues for this, including adult web sites geared to this sort of thing (AdultFriendFinder.com is a good example) and sex clubs (good old Club Sesso in Portland comes to mind).

We would like to VERY STRONGLY recommend you don’t look to your current group of friends for this task. While approaching a stranger seems daunting, approaching a friend virtually guarantees awkward dinner parties and game nights where the word “threesome” causes someone to storm out of the room red-faced.

If you engage a stranger, do not invite them to your home (Portland has some amazing hotels - use them!), make sure they offer up recent proof of STD testing, and discuss all the rules very clearly ahead of time. The most important rule is that the SECOND your girlfriend utters a safeword, both men disengage immediately, even if she utters the safeword before you even get started. She’s running the show.

Not Doin’ It. If she’s not interested in turning her fantasy into a reality, it sounds like you’re largely happy with your sexual life, so, if she’s not interested in this one, maybe think of another fantasy she might be willing to indulge.

Why wouldn’t she want to do it? The actuality of sex with two men opens up so many possibilities for trouble for women—part of the fantasy for many is that you’re feeling “used” or degraded, but the actuality of being used and degraded may not be that fun. (Note: we’re not saying that this scenario is necessarily degrading, just that for some, feeling subjugated is why the fantasy works.) Additionally, since women are more likely to be wired to connect emotions and sexuality, introducing a third partner can be more of a mental minefield. Not to mention doubling the possibility of getting a scorching STD.

Just can’t let it go? Consider realizing your dream with a stand-in. If your girlfriend decides she does not want to act on the fantasy and you are unwilling to give it up you can talk to her about YOU actualizing the fantasy with someone else in her role.

This is a delicate conversation, but if she is unwilling or unable to join in what you want, it’s not unreasonable to ask her for a pass to go outside your primary relationship if it’s really important to you, and since her fantasy is bringing another man into the relationship, there’s a chance she’s open to the idea of different partners. If that doesn’t work for her, you have to decide whether being limited by your partner’s limits is a position you’re comfortable with, or will make you feel cheated. What’s it worth to you?

If her fantasy didn’t include other partners, we’d probably advise against taking the step of going outside the relationship. If you’re not otherwise wired for polyamory, doing this is usually reserved for when you’re extremely unsatisfied or when your partner is being unreasonable. There’s a difference, for us, between a partner who’s not willing to indulge a fetish that’s pretty far outside our culturally accepted norms and a partner who, say, isn’t willing to blow you even though she wants you to blow her. That significantly limits your choices, and being unwilling to budge or try is a dick move.

In conclusion….Some dreams are best left as dreams, but only you can say which ones. Once you’ve opened the Pandora’s Box of sex dreams you can’t go back to pretending your desires don’t exist, and desire can be very persistent.

That being said, the Jamaican Olympic Bobsled Team started out with no chance in hell, and now you can watch the entire Disney-fied story on Netflix (Cool Runnings, starring the incomparable Mr. John Candy). Making dreams into reality can be a scary struggle, and you may fail, but worse than failing is not trying.

May all your dreams come true.

Love,

The Scarlets

P.S. Your comment that “you don’t know what it means” that you’re into this fantasy makes us think you might be concerned that you’re gay. You’re not gay. You might be a 1 on the Kinsey scale, you might have a mild cuckold fetish, but more likely, you love the idea of having sex with your girlfriend while at the same time watching her with another man. It’s like real-life porn. Makes sense to us.

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.