The Scarlet Letters: What Heartbreak Does to a Body

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Tuesday, September 01, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

Last week, we addressed a reader who needed to break up with his girlfriend. This week, we address a reader who’s dealing with life post-breakup and thinking she’ll never get over it. Will she? Read on to find out. Have questions or comments? Write us at [email protected].

My Heartbreak’s Not Healing

Dear Scarlets,

I am heartbroken. My lover and I ended our affair. 

We agreed to part, but for the sake of brevity I’ll skip why. It was hard for both of us. I don’t regret my decision. But I am so sad I can hardly live. 

My chest hurts all the time, and I cry every day. I have literally had my eyes swell shut and had to stay in bed with tea bags on my lids. 

I do my best to act like everything is fine and not talk about it all the time because it’s stupid. It’s the same thing as everyone else’s heartbreak. People get their hearts broken every day of the world. It’s not news and it’s not interesting.

Worst of all, I’m embarrassed. How could I let myself be so strung out over a man? I’ve never been that girl. I don’t think I ever shed an honest tear over a man before this. And now I’m devastated.

I am still functioning in the world, but only out of pride. Sometimes I hurt so much I can’t breathe. There’s no way to escape this pain, it’s everywhere. 

I don’t know what to do or hope or even wish for anymore. I just want it to be over. 

It’s been 4 months and it’s not getting any better. My life is getting smaller and smaller. This method of coping is not sustainable. Please help me. 

Love,

Surviving

 

Dear Surviving,

You poor dear thing. Your heartbreak is so tangible there’s blood on the keyboard. Our hearts go out to you because we have experienced it, too. We’re sending you love.

What’s happening

There’s nothing like heartbreak, and it isn’t just emotional. The deep anguish can activate networks of nerves that cause physical pain. You feel like you’ve been punched in the chest and/or stomach, and your legs may hurt or feel weak.

The pain can trigger your fight-or-flight response, and the adrenaline and cortisol released put stress on your body. Your heart can suffer physically as well as emotionally from this, and you may gain weight or experience skin issues. 

Your heartbroken tears are less salty than reflex or regular “housekeeping” tears. Osmosis causes more of the watery tears to be absorbed by the saltier tissue around your eyes. Cry your heart out and your eyes can swell so much you can’t see out of them.

So you’ve got a broken heart, a puffy face, tight pants, and acne—nature is a bitch sometimes. But please know, Surviving, that you will continue to survive this. You will outlive the heartbreak and find joy again. We promise. 

What isn’t happening

You are not admitting that something terrible has happened to you. Your heart has been broken and you are drowning in grief, but it sounds like you are trying to act “normal” – and it isn’t working for you. You are surviving, but after four months and no progress against the pain it’s time for another approach.

You probably know that grief has at least five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. They don’t necessarily happen in order, you may repeat some and/or skip others, and there’s no time limit. 

What you may not know is that grief waits. It doesn’t just go away and it has no other appointments to keep. It hangs around and lurks until you address it. You don’t have to do it alone.

What to do

You are stuck in a mire of agony and loss, and getting unstuck will require some effort – but it will be worth it. You will heal.

Start by acknowledging that something terrible has happened to you. Wallow a little. Just because romantic loss isn’t a new story doesn’t mean nobody wants to hear it. It’s a universal story, and everyone understands it. Tell people.

Ask for support from your family and friends, and perhaps a therapist. Talking will help you get out of your own head for a bit. It can be huge relief to get off the hamster wheel in your brain. Saying things out loud makes them clearer and more real, and it helps the people around you figure out how to help you.

Cry when you need to. Emotional tears help your body excrete stress hormones, and crying stimulates the production of endorphins. It also motivates others to hug or otherwise comfort you, and you need that.

Stop judging. “Every time you judge yourself you break your own heart.” So says Swami Kripalu, and we believe it. You don’t need to berate yourself for being sad. Heartbreak proves that you loved, and that is something to be proud rather than ashamed of. 

Try something new. Really. Do something that doesn’t remind you of who you miss. Distract yourself. Remember what it’s like to be you in a good place. You can cry while you do it – but do it.

Laugh. Go see some comedy. Watch a funny movie (that you did not see with your ex). Do whatever makes you laugh. Laughing gets your mind off the pain and helps you move forward. 

According to the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor, laughing also lowers cortisone levels, and produces dopamine and endorphins. You will feel better physically, and perhaps get a slightly brighter view of your circumstances. You can cry while you do this, too.

Take the reins. You have the power to recover from this. Making choices that will contribute to your endgame of recovery helps you to feel you have some control in your life. Keeping this in mind will make you more resilient.

Give yourself time. The healing process takes as long as it takes. Be compassionate with yourself. Note your progress and remember that moving ahead means you are leaving the past behind. It may be slow going, but it’s still dynamic.

Let go. You suffer so much, every day, because you are thinking of the man you left as your lover – estranged, perhaps, but still your lover. He isn’t anymore. We know it brings you a strange comfort to remember the good parts, but the longer you think of him this way, the more you extend the grieving process. Put him in your past by remembering why you ended it and replaying only the bad parts. Did he have a pair of shoes you hated? A tic that drove you nuts? Did he listen to experimental jazz or dance like Elaine from Seinfeld? Create a vision of him that encompasses all your least favorite aspects of him, and if you start remembering a sweet moment, replace it with that. It’s jarring, but effective. 
The man you left is part of your past. He’s a memory.  We know it’s hard to hear, but embracing the idea will help you heal. . 

We’ve cried rivers, too, and now we don’t anymore. Time passes and things change. So will you.

Unfortunately, we can’t offer you a Snow-White-like pill that will put you to sleep until the grief is over (we really want big pharma to invent that pill, by the way). But we wish for you a day soon when you’ll wake up and not think about him for two whole hours, and then another day when it takes five, then nine, and then the glorious day when you’re so busy doing interesting new things that he slips your mind completely. 

We promise that day will come, and you won’t even notice its arrival. That’s the best part. 

Much love,

The Scarlets

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