The Scarlet Letters: When Should I Break Up with My Girlfriend?

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

The Scarlet Letters: A Bad Time for a Breakup

This week, we respond to a reader in that rough spot we’ve all been in: we know we need to break up with someone, we just don’t know how. Or, more importantly, when. What would you tell him? Write us with your opinion or questions at [email protected].

Breaking Up is Hard to...Schedule

Dear Scarlets,

I'm in a bad place right now.

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year. She and I had known each other tangentially for a number of years, as we have mutual friends, but we finally started dating after a particularly crazy party last year.

She's a great friend and I hope she'll always be in my life, but I don't think it's going to work out between us. She's sweet and kind and funny, but I'm not that attracted to her and we're just not compatible in many ways that I think are important. I know I have to break up with her, but the timing is all wrong.

Two of our very close friends are getting married next month (yay, gay marriage!), and it's very important for both of us to be at that wedding. Our friends have planned an entire weekend of activities that will involve all of our mutual friends. We've been looking forward to this event for months, and I don't want to ruin it.

If I break up with her now, we'll both be miserable at the event and it'll probably be awkward for our friends. If I don't, I might be miserable pretending...and to be honest, I'm not sure I can fake it for that long.

What do I do?

Signed,

Don't Wanna Be a Jerk

Dear Inevitable-Jerk-But-Not-the-Permanent-Kind,

You're right. You're in a terrible place, and we're so sorry.

It's a truly awful thing to realize you don't love someone as much as they love you. Or to realize you don't love them at all.

For any thinking, feeling person, it creates a sense of dread, and a often a series of rationalizations for not taking action, like:

"Maybe I'll grow to love her."
"Maybe this is love and I just don't recognize it."
"Maybe she'll change."
"Maybe I'll change."
"Maybe Portland will be struck by a meteor so I won't have to break up with her."

So let's just say, hypothetically, that a meteor and/or the Earthquake That Ate the Northwest are not going to swoop in to save your ass. In that case, your question actually raises an interesting philosophical dilemma.

According to Utilitarianism, the best action is the one that causes the least amount of suffering to the smallest number of people. That action, in your case, is clearly to lie. That way your girlfriend and all your friends have a good time while only you suffer under the weight of the truth.

If that's the path you decide on, our biggest question for you would be, How good an actor are you?

When your friends promise to love each other until the end of time, can you hold your girlfriend's hand convincingly as her tear-filled eyes look longingly into yours?

When your just-married friend approaches you and drunkenly pronounces, "You guys are next!!," can you stop yourself from muttering, "Not a chance in hell" under your breath?

And, after over a couple months of simulating love for your girlfriend and a weekend of doing so in hyperdrive, can you get through slow dancing with her to "Careless Whisper" at the reception without breaking free and loudly pronouncing to her and all your friends, "It's NOT easy to pretend, George Michael! It's hard! Are you guys pretending? Because I am. Love totally dies, you guys! It DIES!," followed by a cascade of friends and relatives who are ALSO living lies pushing their dance partners aside and running towards the exits, car keys in hand, screaming, "I'm sorry Linda (or Phil or Carl or Aspen)! I have to do this for ME!"

Maybe you can.

Or maybe you follow a different philosophy, what we like to call "Pants-On-Fireism," and believe that sometimes, knowing the truth is the best for all involved.

You've been lying to your girlfriend for some time already, and another month of it can't be good for you. Plus, the longer you continue to make her believe you love her, the more she might grow to love you, so letting her know the truth sooner is actually in her best interest.

Here's the thing: having a great time during the wedding weekend is just not in the cards for you. Your two choices are to be the sad bad guy or to lie all weekend while constantly being reminded of what you're missing and what you still have to do.

Weddings are always a little strange for couples to attend. They can't help but sit in the crowd and think about where they are compared to the couple walking down the aisle. Are we that happy? Would I marry him again? Why does he make that sucking noise through his teeth after he eats my pesto? Should I use less pine nuts?

So what's the harm in making it a little stranger?

We believe the better choice is to break up with her now, and attend the wedding weekend with some integrity. It's better for you both to attend as single, honest, mildly depressed people, because ultimately, this isn't about a wedding weekend, it's about your lives, and living them as honestly as possible every single day.

If you do, please tell your friends we’re sorry for effing up their seating charts. Hopefully, they'll forgive us just like your girlfriend will forgive you.

Eventually.

You're totally gonna dance again,

The Scarlets

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