A Married Man’s Guide to Fantasy Football

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

GoLocalPDX partner site Oregon Sports News

Summer is coming to a close, NFL preseason is in full-swing and Fantasy Football season is officially upon us. While groups of friends gather around beers, wings, laptops, and draft guides, there is no denying that one of America’s favorite pass-times is finally here. It really doesn’t matter if you won your league last year or picked Adrian Pederson in the 1st round, only to find yourself in dead last of your office league, at this point in the season there is hope for everyone.

Last year there was an estimated 56.8 million people playing Fantasy Football, a large part of that demographic was male, and the majority of those males were married. That means that there are millions and millions of wives whose husbands are about to be deeply entrenched in the world of 12-team leagues, multi-team trades and waiver wire watching.
There are some women who play Fantasy Football with their husbands, some women that are supportive of their husbands playing fantasy football, and then there are the majority of women who don’t understand or care about Fantasy Football.

If your wife fits into that last category (as does mine) check out tips from my Married Man’s Guide to Fantasy Football.

Pay the Wife Commission – I remember the first time that I sat at a Pai Gow table in Las Vegas. I was super excited. Even though I looked like a 14-year-old high schooler, I proudly showed my I.D. that showed that I was 23. The first two hands were both pushes, the third hand I won. I was only betting $10 a hand to warm up. When I won that bet the dealer slid me $10 worth of chips in smaller denominations and then the dealer waited for her commission. I had never been taught that you had to pay 5 percent even when you won ….
The same goes for Fantasy Football!

Remember the old adage, “Happy wife, happy life.” That will serve you well over the course of the season. By paying the wife commission, you are doing your part in ensuring that your wife stays happy.
So what is the wife commission? Just like I found out in Vegas. 5 percent. And this should go for time and money.

Let’s say at the end of the season that you win your league and bring home a moderate prize of $100 … At least $5 of those winnings should go towards some flowers on your way home.

The same thing goes for time. How much time do you spend tinkering with your lineup? How many hours per week are you camped in front of the biggest TV in the house watching football? How long do you spend talking trash on the message boards of watching the waiver wire? Add all that time up and make sure you spend at least 5 percent of that time doing something nice for the wife.

Don’t Try to Teach Your Wife – If your wife doesn’t already play Fantasy Football, chances are she never will. Save yourself the breath and save her time and try not to teach her about how to spot sleepers late in the draft, the flex dilemma that you have going on, or how many points you need to make up in the Monday night game to win your matchup. If she doesn’t care, she doesn’t care. And guys, that may not be a bad thing.Let’s say that all of a sudden your wife does care. You teach her everything you know. Next year she asks if she can join one of your four leagues. She lucks into a few good draft picks and then she beats you in week 14 to kill your playoff chances. You will NEVER live that down. Don’t bore your wife with the details of Fantasy Football and just thank your lucky stars she isn’t getting ready to crush your team on Sunday.

What Happens on the Message Board… – Fantasy Football is one of the only times in life that it is not only accepted, but encouraged, to cyber bully a group of other adults.
The message board trash talk needs to stay on the message boards.

Riddled with inside jokes, puns and profanity, message boards operate at a different level than most other things in life. Fantasy Football players realize that and willingly participate in it. Anyone outside of Fantasy Football just wouldn’t understand.

Your wife may really like your friends. Those opinions can rapidly change with one story about a message board post. For the sake of your friendship, keep the message boards and trash talk private.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, sometimes Saturday – Remember that Thursday night there is usually a meaningless NFL game on, but it always seems you have one player on your Fantasy team playing Thursday night so you have to watch the uneventful 14-10 game. Then obviously all day Sunday, you have to flip back and forth between games. Then Monday after work, you rush home to catch Monday night football and see how your team fared for the week.

Having those three days dedicated to football is almost non-negotiable to a Fantasy Football player. Then you throw in the fact that Saturday is filled with intriguing college football games and by then, you already have 4 days full of football.

This makes the other days of the week that much more important. Take your wife out to eat. Maybe even catch a movie (other than The Blind Side or Remember the Titans). Help around the house, or with the kids. Put in the time these few days to earn you the equity to be able to give your team the requisite time on football days.

From one married man to another, have fun this season, I hope you win your league, but more importantly, good luck with your wife. Marriage is (hopefully) a lot longer than a 16-week Fantasy Football season, so just remember your priorities. Follow these few points of advice and things should go a bit more smoothly than it has in years past.

GoLocalPDX partner Oregon Sports News: Since 2011, Oregon Sports News has provided entertaining, hard-hitting local sports news & commentary every weekday. To read more from this author, check out Oregon Sports News by clicking here.

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