The Scarlet Letters: Is Polyamory My Problem?
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
We’re a couple of 40-something redheads who have made our share of love and sex mistakes—and perhaps a few more for extra credit. There isn’t a lot we can’t speak to from experience, but just in case, we have experts standing by for that eventuality.
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A note of warning: because this is a love and sex column, there will be content here that some may find offensive. If you think sex is gross or don’t like to read things that acknowledge that it’s a thing in the world, you should probably go read something else.
Love,
The Scarlets
Is Poly My Problem?
Dear Scarlets,
After six years of marriage, my wife and I decided to become polyamorous in July of last year.
We'd both been kind of unhappy for about two years and always ended up in ridiculous fights about the smallest, dumbest stuff. My wife claims she's not mad about any "big issue," but she is seven years younger than I am and wants to have kids, which I've been really clear about not wanting from the very beginning. (I have two kids from a previous marriage.) She claims to be okay with it, but I don't completely buy it.
It was her idea to go poly, and I've enjoyed it for the past few months, but since the beginning of December she hasn't been having sex with me at all. I was fine allowing other people into our marriage, but not if it meant I would have even less sex with my wife.
She has at least one date a week and I'm starting to become jealous of these men who get to sleep with her even though I have a girlfriend now.
Now my marriage sucks in a totally different way.
Help?
~Polyamorous and Pissed
Dear PaP,
Oh, honey. Let’s make a list:
- You and your wife have both been unhappy for ⅓ of your marriage.
- She wants kids and you do not.
- It was her idea to become polyamorous.
- Your comment about “even less sex with my wife” implies that the two of you haven’t been having much for a while.
- It’s your wife who is not having sex with you, and not the other way around.
- Your wife dates frequently.
- You have a girlfriend.
Nowhere in your letter do you allude to loving your wife.
On its face, this sounds like your wife doesn’t want to be married anymore and is using polyamory to ease your relationship into that state by letting her secondary relationships out-sex her marriage. Secondary relationships are called secondary for a reason: they should never happen at the expense of the primary relationship if that’s the structure you’ve decided on.
That being said, we don’t think your biggest issue is the polyamory. It’s whether or not your wife will look at you when she’s 50 and hate you for the kids she never had. That’s a day neither of you want to see.
You and your wife seem to have different needs. Her: kids and someone who is not you. You: her to stop having sex with men who are not you and start having sex with men who are you (i.e., you).
While you never said as much, your jealousy and desire to have sex with her tell us you may not be built for polyamory and you probably still love her.
It’s time for both of you to be honest about what you want. Do you want to be married to this woman or are you ready to accept that your marriage is over, your wife doesn’t want to sleep with you, and she resents you for your decision to remain childless? Either way, pull up your socks and talk with the woman you once loved enough to marry. Tell her you need to have a terrifying but necessary conversation.
Learning to live with a hard truth can be heartbreaking, but heartbreak passes. Buried truth does not. It festers.
Truth will always find its way out. Don’t wait until it’s toxic.
With Love,
The Scarlets
Face Time
Dear Scarlets,
I’m involved with a man who really turns me on. He’s hot in all the ways I like and he’s nasty in bed, which I also like. A lot. I’m pretty nasty, but he’s nastier.
Here’s the thing, and there’s no way to say this delicately: he wants to...let’s say “finish” on my face. I let him do that on my belly or my boobs or my butt or wherever he happens to be when the urge to do such a thing overtakes him, but the face -- ew. Or should I say, “ew?” Because on the other hand, it sounds kinda hot.
He’s respectful, thoughtful, and loving to me in every way in and out of bed.
Even so, I can’t decide. Is it abusive and debasing and disrespectful and a sign of deep hatred of women if a man wants to do this? And is it wrong of me/do I hate myself/should I have more self-respect than to be more than a little titillated by the thought and considering letting him?
I can’t discuss this with my girlfriends. I’m afraid of the Sisterhood coming down on me for behavior traitorous to feminists everywhere.
Your thoughts, please.
~Face Case
Dear Face,
There are two things in your letter that lead me to a resounding “yes” here.
First, the fact that he is a respectful and loving partner to you. If you had said that he disrespected you in any way outside of bed, I would think that it might just be the real world bleeding into the bedroom. That’s clearly not the case.
The second is that you think it sounds hot. If that’s true, and no one’s going to get hurt, you should never allow other people’s opinions to affect what you do to get off.
Are your feminist friends on their knees in front of your partner, or are you? And does being in this position make you feel debased, or hot as hell (or hot as hell because you feel a little debased)?
Sexuality is about fantasy. And many times—or most of the time, really—if we’re doing it right, our fantasies won’t line up with our political belief systems or cultural norms. In fact, the very reason many things are hot is that they specifically go against those norms. (We have a friend who laments moving away from Christianity for one reason—it made sex so much less hot because it wasn’t forbidden anymore.)
We’re proud of him for asking respectfully for what he wants, and for knowing that an act like that requires your consent in order for it to be hot and not jarring or debasing. Our advice is to clear your mind of any outside influences, then go with your gut.
If you decide to do it, we hope you find it as hot as you imagine it will be. (One warning: make sure your eyes are closed, as man-batter has been known to sting like the dickens.)
Worst case scenario: you don’t like it and won’t do it again. Then, you can move on to that thing you were afraid to ask him for. That one’s REALLY hot.
With Love,
The Scarlets
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