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Portland Trail Blazers-Inspired Adult Beverages That Should Exist In Rip City

Thursday, November 19, 2015

 

If the Portland Trail Blazers have done one thing successfully during the early stages of the 2015-16 NBA season, it’s inspire fans across Rip City to consume adult beverages. Were you thrilled with the unexpected 4-2 start? Pop the champagne! Are you down in the dumps in the midst of an ugly losing streak? Find something to lift your spirits (like a spirit)!

Maybe you’re stoked about each and every loss with the hopes of a prime draft pick in June. A game of beer pong is clearly in order while the Blazers secure as many pingpong balls as possible.

Whichever category you fall into, chances are, libations are flowing (for all you fans 21 and older who enjoy such things) through a city that has become completely obsessed with its hoops and its hops.

Inspired by Ex Novo’s DAMON SOUTAMIRE (get it?!), here are a handful of beverages that would be a hit in Portland any season, good or bad.

*Please consume these hypothetical drinks responsibly, and make sure to order the Channing Fries, Allen Crab Cakes and Arron Falafel as appetizers. 

Terry Porter

Let’s start with a simple, way-too-easy-to-not-do brew. The Terry is the only kind of brew it could possibly be around Rip City: a porter. 

According to one site I stumbled upon while desperately trying to find a similarity between Terry Porter’s playing style and this particular type of beverage, there are three unique subcategories of a porter: a brown porter, a robust porter and a Baltic porter. If this is true, it’s fitting because Terry Porter was a master of threes. 

Before Wesley Matthews became known for his 3 Goggles, 3 Holster and Bow3Arrow, Terry Porter owned the No. 1 spot on Portland’s list of all-time three-point marksmen after his departure before the 1995-96 season.

Call it a stretch if you want, but this one’s all about the name. Which is brilliant, if you ask me, despite its simplicity.

Mason Jar Plumlee

What’s more hipster than drinking alcohol out of a mason jar in a dimly lit bar in Portland? Maybe moving from Brooklyn to Portland during the offseason, the fourth- and second-most hipster cities in America, respectively, according to SkyScanner.net.

Good thing the Blazers went for the younger of the two Plumlee brothers. Miles Jar Plumlee just doesn’t sound the same. 

Ruby Fernandez

People in the Pacific Northwest seem to either love or hate McMenamins, the home for the raspberry-infused ale simply named “Ruby.” Similarly, fans in Portland found themselves either drooling over highlights or banging their heads against the wall while watching the one simply known as “Rudy.”

With that in mind, consumers around the region will adore or despise this unique, yet flashy ale. And yes, its arrival is highly anticipated, and yes again, it will ultimately disappoint and request a trade before it goes to Europe.

Ha Seung-Jin & Tonic

Are you ready for another brilliantly clever name pun? How about our first refreshment of the non-brew variety?

The Ha Seung-Jin & Tonic is, of course, only served in a tall glass. Standing 7’3”, Ha Seung-Jin, the center from South Korea, was a 46th-overall pick for Portland back in 2004. Despite the competitive advantage he had going for him with his height, he lasted just two seasons before exiting the Association. 

Don’t worry; this beverage has more going for it than just being served in a tall glass. It also smells like a pine tree because of its main ingredient, which is ironic considering the former Blazers big man was a tree among shrubs every time he stepped on the court.

Pat Connaughton White IPA

It’s deceptively hoppy based on its overall appearance... 

We’ll leave it at that.

Jarrett Jack Daniels

According to an ad from a 1908 issue of The Nashville Globe Jack Daniels is, “Not a Blend, but a pure straight whiskey...” 

Simply put: Nate McMillan should have taken this motto into consideration when it came to Jarrett Jack’s role in the rotation.

During the 2005-06 season, Jack played 32 percent of the team’s total minutes at shooting guard compared to just six percent at the 1, according to 82games.com. That’s pretty standard for a pure 2-guard, not a blend. The next year, however, good ol Nate decided to mix things up and play Jack 62 percent of the team’s total minutes at point guard in comparison to just four percent at the 2. 

Although you could argue the move was a success because of Jack’s jump to 12 points and 5.3 assist per game (he averaged 6.7 PPG and 2.8 APG the year before), the man roaming the sidelines just could help but tinker. In 2007-08, Jack’s final season with the team, the point-guard-turned-2-guard-turned-unnecessary-blend played 31 percent of the team’s total minutes at shooting guard compared to 24 percent at the 1.

Jack’s numbers dropped, he was traded before the 2008-09 season to the Indiana Pacers and he went on to have a career year starting in all 82 games and averaging a then-best 13.1 points per contest in a new system. 

Johnny Walker Flynn

Remember Johnny Flynn? The point guard who stopped through Portland during the 2011-12 season for a cup of coffee (18 games)? Maybe he should have had a whisky instead. He probably could have used it.

Following a solid rookie campaign in 2009-10 that saw him average 13.5 points, 4.4 assists and 2.4 rebounds in 81 starts, the Syracuse product face planted in his attempt to establish his career following a hip injury.

Simply put, it doesn’t matter what label we’re giving this “Johnny Walker” because the only label Flynn, a former No. 6 pick, needs is “bust.” 

Sam Boozie

Whenever you’re utterly disappointed with a situation that had been so incredibly hyped, this is the drink for you. This is everything described above poured into one giant mug to represent all your eggs going into one basket. Then please proceed to down that basket and realize what a horrible decision you’ve made.

Drinking anything from Odin has the same effect.

Sorry, big guys. We had to go there.

GoLocalPDX partner Oregon Sports News: Since 2011, Oregon Sports News has provided entertaining, hard-hitting local sports news & commentary every weekday. To read more from this author, check out Oregon Sports News by clicking here.

 

Related Slideshow: Oregon’s Most Devastating Sports Injuries

Here is GoLocalPDX's list of Oregon's most devastating injuries that have occured within the past 10 years.

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Greg Oden

Sept. 2007 — Micro fracture surgery on right knee

Dec. 2009 — Fractured left patella 

Nov. 2010 — Micro fracture surgery on left knee

Dec. 2011 — Arthroscopic surgery on right knee

Unfortunately, Trail Blazer fans everywhere already know how drafting Greg Oden over Kevin Durant worked out for their team. After being be the #1 selection in the 2007 NBA Draft, Oden was never able to play a full season due to ongoing knee injuries. The team eventually waived him in March of 2012.

Photo via Wikipedia (image cropped)
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Dennis Dixon

Nov. 2007 — Torn left ACL

During the 2007 season Dixon had the Oregon Ducks as the #2 team in the country. That was until he suffered a torn ACL against Arizona State and attempted to play on it the following week against Arizona. After Dixon went down for the season the Ducks lost their remaining two regular season games. Fortunately, they were able to end their season on a high note with a victory over South Florida in the 2007 Sun Bowl.

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Brandon Roy

Sept. 2008 — Cartilage removed from left knee

April 2010 — Meniscus tear in right knee

Jan. 2011 — Arthroscopic surgery on both knees

Brandon Roy is perhaps one of the most beloved Trail Blazers in the history of the franchise. After being drafted in 2006, and leading the team out of the "Jail-Blazer" era, he had to make the tough decision to retire at the young age of 28. His degenerative knees prevented Rip City from seeing their superstar ever play to his full potential.

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Jacquizz Rodgers

Nov. 2008 — Grade II separation of the acromioclavicular joint

During the second to last game in 2008 Jacquizz Rodgers suffered a separated shoulder that ended his season. Unfortunately, this meant that he wasn't able to play in the Civil War, which was perhaps the biggest game of the year for the Beavers. If the Beavers had been able to defeat the Ducks they would've been able to book their tickets to play in the Rose Bowl. Instead, they went to the Sun Bowl where they defeated the Pittsburgh Panthers.

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James Rodgers

Oct. 2009 — Torn left ACL

After participating in only 4 games during the 2009 season Rodgers went down with a torn ACL while playing against #9 Arizona. This couldn't have come at a worse time for Rodgers considering he was expected to have a breakout season. Rodgers, who was a senior at the time, was able to end his career at Oregon State as the career leader in all-purpose yards.

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Joel Pryzbilla

Dec. 2009 — Ruptured right patella tendon and dislocated patella

In December of 2009 the Trail Blazers' backup center, Joel Pryzbilla, was lost for the season with a ruptured and dislocated patella. This was a huge blow to the Trailblazers' frontcourt because they had already lost Oden for the season a few weeks before. Pryzbilla was also the team's defensive anchor who provided an inside presence. "The Vanilla Gorilla" was sorely missed for the rest of the year.

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LaMichael James

Oct. 2011 — Dislocated right elbow

The 2011 season couldn't have started any better for LaMichael James. After the first game James became Oregon's career rushing leader, surpassing Derek Loville. During the second game he rushed for over 200 yards against Missouri State. Unfortunately, James' year was slowed by a dislocated elbow suffered against Cal. Luckily for Duck fans he was able to return to end the season.

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Nate Costa

Nov. 2010 —Torn Right ACL

After suffering a multitude of knee injuries throughout his career at Oregon Costa was forced to officially retire from football after tearing his ACL for the third time in agame against Washington. Although Costa's career was hobbled by injuries many of his teammates looked to him as their leader. Oregon's coaching staff referred to Costa as the "heart and soul" of the 2010 team that won the Rose Bowl.

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Sean Mannion

Oct. 2012 — Torn Left Meniscus

During the beginning of the 2012-2013 season, Sean Mannion was enjoying one of his best as a Beaver. Unfortunately, he tore his left meniscus against Washington State that resulted in him missing around half the season. With Mannion leading the way the Beavers had the Pac-12's fourth rated offense, averaging 459.5 yeards per game. With Mannion sidelined Cody Vaz became the starting quarterback

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Marcus Mariota

Oct. 2013 — Partial MCL Tear

Marcus Mariota is widely regarded as one of the greatest Oregon Duck quarterbacks to ever play at Autzen. Unfortunately a knee injury hobbled his sophomore season. After Mariota suffered a partial MCL tear against UCLA he conintued to play the remainder of the season. With Mariota's knee not allowing him to be as mobile as he was accustomed to teams were able to take advantage. In the weeks following the injury the Ducks suffered losses to Stanford and Arizona. Duck fans everywhere would like to know what that season woud've loked like if Mariota had stayed healthy.

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CJ McCollum

Oct. 2013 — Broken fifth Metatarsal In Left Foot

After being taken 10th overall during the 2013 NBA Draft the shooting guard out of Lehigh wasn't able to start his career the way many had hoped. After breaking the fifth metatarsal bone in his left foot the rookie wasn't able to take the court until January of 2014. Before the injury McCollum was in consideration for playing time behind Lillard. 

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Alex Morgan

Oct. 2013 — Stress reaction in talus bone

During the 2013 season Morgan suffered an injury that doctors misdiagnosed as a mildly sprained ankle. After a few additional tests were performed it turned out that Morgan had suffered a far more serious injury. She actually suffered a stress reaction in the talus bone that put her immediate future with Team USA in question. After rehabbing for 7 months Morgan was able to make a full recovery.

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Bralon Addison

April 2014 — Torn left ACL

After exceeding expectations as a freshman and sophomore at the University of Oregon Addison was expecting big things from his junior year. Unfortunately, Addison suffered a torn ACL during last year's spring practice that kept him sidelined the entire year. Without Addison in the lineup the receiving core never lived up to their full potential. If he had been able to play this season the National Championship may have wielded a different outcome.

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Ifo Ekpre-Olomu

Dec. 2014 — Torn ACL

In preparation for the first ever college football playoffs Ekpre-Olomu ended up tearing his ACL during a routine practice. This was a huge blow to the Ducks considering Ekpre-Olomu was one of the team's better defenders. He was also one of the best corners in the country who many analysists expected to be selected as high as the first round of the 2015 NFL Draft.

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Wesley Matthews

March 2015 — Torn left achilles

Just 2 months before Matthews suffered a torn achilles he had become the Trailblazers' all-time leader in 3-point field goals made. It looked as though the Trailblazers were poised to make a deep playoff run. Things took a drastic turn when Matthews was lost for the season. With the team in a 0-2 hole against the Memphis Grizzlies it doesn't look as though they will be making it to the second round of the playoffs this year.

Photo via Wikipedia (image cropped)
 
 

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