The Scarlet Letters: Dating in the Age of the Brazilian

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Tuesday, June 09, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week, we address a woman who didn’t realize her personal grooming habits would be called into question when she jumped back into the dating pool. Questions? Comments? Write us at [email protected].

Dear Scarlets,

I was in a relationship for 14 years, and now I’m not. Now I’m a woman in my late 30’s attempting to date again.

It’s all been humbling. I can’t read signals or tell who’s single or tell who’s hitting on me and the dating pool is now one of those plastic kiddie pools you can buy for $9.99 at Target.

But nothing was more humiliating than sleeping with my third suitor, a hairy lumbersexual who used the afterglow to tell me that I should “do a lot more landscaping down there.” I told him I always keep my bikini line clean, and he said that I was still “kind of lucky he could even find it.”

So is it just a thing now that women’s vulva’s are hair-free? I have what I consider a nicely-trimmed triangle “down there” and that’s the amount of landscaping I’ve always been comfortable with. I don’t have the time or inclination to shave it all every day and I definitely don’t want someone ripping out my hair by the roots but it seems like that’s what men like now.

Is this going to be a dealbreaker?

Signed,

Not a Brazilian

Dear NAB, 

If anything’s a dealbreaker, it’s having someone you don’t know very well tell you what you should do with your body hair. Your lumbersexual isn’t a keeper—gingerly hand him his axe and tell him to hit the road.

Body hair is a secondary sex characteristic. Its presence means we’re ready and able for the business that can lead to procreation. It’s ironic, then, that we don’t all find hair sexy.

We didn’t worry so much about body hair until fairly recently. Ever seen porn from the ‘70s? Those people were loud and proud with their unshorn muffs (and mustaches), and they had tons of sex. These odes to genital ‘fros prove that body hair does not make you unsexy or unfuckable.

But somewhere in the 2000s society got obsessed, especially with pubic hair, and especially on women. We don’t have the time or energy to discuss all the sexist reasons for and ugly ramifications of this, so we’ll just say we don’t believe the hype. Don’t believe the advertising industry that aims to sell you products and don’t believe the media that tries to sell you an “ideal.”

In the end, this conversation is going to come down to you and what makes you feel sexy. On the way, though, we’ll explore possibilities.

How to Wear Your Hair Down There

Let’s start with the all-natural approach. Maybe you should let your freak flag fly, even if it overflows your bathing suit. This is how Nature decided to protect us from chafing, bugs in unfortunate places, and sunburn on our delicate bits. If you feel good this way, that’s how you should roll. Bonus: it’s super easy, and free, and you’ll have the additional benefit of knowing that if a man is willing to accept this, he probably truly adores you.

Or, go a totally different direction.

It’s hot right now. In fact, it’s as-naked-as-you-can-politely-be hot. Maybe right now, what would feel good is bald-as-a-ping-pong ball down there. But it sounds like you don’t have a lot of time, so you’d probably have a scritchy-scratchy kiwi in your pants most of the time because you can’t handle the constant upkeep.

There are other options which also seem a bit high-maintenance for you, but could be fun experiments—trim, mow, and make shapes. You can carve initials into it. You can even color it. An ultraviolet crotch announces your vagina's arrival at the party with audacity.

But let’s say you want to keep doing what you’re doing (what we’ll call the the “Sexy Triangle," which is, coincidentally, also the instrument Susan Dey played on The Partridge Family). This is a strong choice that we guarantee many men will be more than happy with, largely because there's a vagina very near it.

As for how you get rid of that bikini line hair, you can shave, Nair, wax, Epilady, tweeze, laser, electrolysize, No!No!, or Smooth Away (it’s sandpaper) body hair. Shaving and depilatories are the least painful, but the ones you'll have to do most often. Anything that rips the hair out is obviously painful, but leaves you feeling soft and supple for longer and has been known to make the hairs finer when they grow back.

No matter what you do, always exfoliate after for a few days. This will keep you from getting ingrown hairs.

Go Bold or Go Bald...It's Your Choice.

Hairiness is a spectrum, and where you decide to land on it is your business—as is what you prefer. Just be sure it is your business, and not some stupid idea planted in your head by porn or the hair-removal industry.

Our advice is to do whatever the hell makes you feel the most comfortable with your pubic hair, and the man you choose (and who chooses you) will probably have “laissez-faire pubic landscaping” as #427 or so on his list of dealbreakers.

Once you’ve chosen each other, we would recommend a conversation about what each of you prefer in each other’s pubic...hairea. Is it easier to to give head or cunnilingus to a nicely trimmed pubis? Absolutely. This can be a mutual negotiation with both parties indicating what their preference is for themselves and their partner.

If your partner says he prefers a Brazilian and you say “no way in hell,” that’s your prerogative and he needs to get over it, or get off of it. (That being said, if your preference for yourself is an Angela Davis Tribute down there, perhaps consider meeting him halfway.) If you say you licking hairy balls is unpleasant and he decides he wants to shave to encourage you to do it more, that’s his prerogative, too.

We’re all adults with genital self-determination, but we also have to remember whose face has to be right down there in the bush, so to speak, so considering your partner’s needs shouldn’t be seen as an anti-feminist act on your part or being pussy-whipped on his. Like any negotiation in a relationship, it’s about how far you’re both willing to go to fulfill the other's needs while still staying true to yourself.

We have faith that you’ll figure it out. For now, be comfortable in your own beautiful, possibly hairy skin, stop fucking tactless lumbersexuals and move on to bigger and better things.

We love you, whatever thicket, topiary, or expanse of dermis you have between your legs.

Love,

The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.

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